Dani's home and doing great. Luckily she's too young to remember traumatic experiences. I came out of it with more damage than she did. Thank you to the family who was right there to call 911, give my baby a blessing and follow us to the hospital. Thank you to the friends who came to the ER to make sure we were OK. You are wonderful people. We love you!

Things here are slow, monotonous and a bit lonely. Every day I try to find a way to occupy Dani while I get some work done, which ends up as playtime for both of us on the floor. Nights are the only time I can work. That's OK, because I still don't sleep very much. .

I have been fairly traumatized lately, but mainly at night after things settle down. I'm amazed at times by the sudden, violent bouts of grief because they are unpredictable. Then I realize it has been 3 months--ONLY 3 months! That's nothing! Of course I'm still grieving fairly intensely, because virtually no time has passed. This short span of time has healed the wounds of many people who know us, but my wounds are very fresh and some are just opening. Dani and I are alone most of the time now. The house is quiet--too quiet.

For those friends and family who feel neglected by me, please don't. The truth is, I just don't have the energy to talk anymore. I'm not sleeping yet, I'm exhausted, and I just don't...I just can't. It's nothing personal, and I really do think about all of you. Don't give up on my little family just yet!

Today is just the intersection of yesterday and tomorrow. It can't get worse.

That's what Bryce told me exactly one year ago just moments after our baby was born. Danika turns 1 today, January 12. I wish her daddy could share this with her. It sounds crazy, but I sent Bryce an e-vite to come to her family birthday party. I received an automated notice in my e-mail today stating that Bryce hadn't RSVP'd, which felt like a kick to the head. All the air was sucked out of the room as I once again realized he is still gone.

The holidays were painful and lonely, yet there were bright moments where I witnessed the goodness in others and saw happiness around me. Every snowstorm brought helpful people armed with shovels, lifting part of my burden with each scoop of snow. One evening I opened the front door to find a front yard full of carolers, bearing a wonderful gift and leaving no names. Dani and I were surrounded with family and friends, loving and caring for us and making sure we forged ahead with new memories. People are GOOD. Thank you all, friends and anonymous angels!

Just as the holidays ended, another wave of tragedy swept through the lives of people I care about. My college roommate and friend succumbed to cancer and died at 33, same age as Bryce. A few days later two of my neighbors were in a tragic car accident. Another young widow now sits a block from my home, preparing for her husband's funeral tomorrow and wondering how she will find the strength to attend. It's really not fair.

Despite the pain of the past several months, Dani and I are healthy and doing well. I am grateful to have this beautiful little girl, this little one year old angel who can stand unsupported for ten whole seconds! Seven teeth, fuzzy blonde hair, chunky legs, and looking more like her daddy every day.

Happy Birthday, little baby. We love you!

So many people have wondered what they can do for us, and here’s my answer: PLEASE help educate people about the dangers of the sun and tanning beds! If you know somebody who goes tanning, please tell them the story about the young husband and father who “just had skin cancer” and is not here to celebrate his daughter’s first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and first birthday. YES, it can happen to any of us. It’s never too early or too late to take control of the health of your skin. BE SMART.

Let's keep Bryce's final words alive: We're Killing Cancer!!!

I looked up in sorrow, panic and pain and saw my mom standing there, watching me. She stepped out of the room and I heard her break down into gut-wrenching sobs. I just clung to the crib for all I had and whimpered and moaned for my Bryce.

It didn't sound as if it were coming from my body; it sounded as if it were coming from a ghostly wind. Dani just looked at me from between the bars, and I wanted to absorb her into me--to keep her with me forever, free from pain, disease and sadness.

I sunk to the floor and sobbed for my Brycey, and mom picked me up and led me to my bed. She laid me down and laid down next to me, still sobbing for me and for Bryce. She rocked me to sleep. The emptiness was horrible. This pain was worse than any physical injury I have had.

I lost my composure midday, but my mom was right there and rocked me to sleep. Nobody is too old to be rocked to sleep! Mom also put up my Christmas decorations, which I had no intentions of doing this year. I’m so lucky to have my family surrounding me, physically and emotionally.

My friend Matt made this comment to me:

“I have recently wondered what is the good in all this for you. What lesson is so important that you have to endure pain that brings you to your knees. I don't say that doubting in faith but rather with the inability to comprehend what good shall come of all this. There are many small good things but the reality is that the small good things don't surpass the great loss of a spouse in such an early phase of life. The greatest marriage is when you are able to have pure selfless love. You did that. You were with Bryce every minute when others would have cracked. In the eternal perspective how can you have a better marriage than one where you set aside your personal pain and suffering so that you could comfort and do everything possible for Bryce?”

Matt, you are a wonderful friend.

Friends have noticed and commented that I have been impossible to get hold of lately, and some feel slighted. I haven’t tried to avoid anyone; I’m just not feeling too sociable lately. Your love and prayers have been priceless and haven’t gone unnoticed, so please accept my gratitude via this posting. If I haven’t returned your call, don’t be offended!! And please don’t base our friendship on the fact that I have spoken with ____ and not you. It's meaningless; just circumstance.

Tragedy, especially of such magnitude, has altered my perception of every aspect of life. Something that would have ruined my day a year ago is inconsequential to me now. Heavy traffic? Big deal. Flat tire? It happens. Get in a fight? So—grow up and make up. Did somebody say something to you that wasn’t loud enough for you to hear? You better not have yelled at them to speak up. Somebody made a mistake at work which cost you a few minutes? Then fix it—and I really hope you didn’t ruin the other person’s day out of the spirit of selfish retaliation! Yes, I realize this sounds Pollyanna-ish. I only hope I can hang onto this attitude, because life is much too short to be controlled by anger and stress. I’m becoming an idealist.

Bryce was this way, which was one of his best qualities. Bryce was laid back and didn’t let people ruin his day. Of course, he was human, so occasionally small things would take him over the edge—but that was not the norm. He often said, “life’s too short”, when he was witness to the behaviors mentioned above. When we met, I had been spending an obscene amount of time and energy on researching the religion in which I had grown up. I spent hours and days disproving its truth and goodness. It was good for my therapy—my self-prescribed therapy. When I first dated Bryce, I told him all about my church history and how I felt about it. I showed him the research I had done over the previous several years. I was so proud of myself and my devotion to my cause. Bryce didn’t disagree nor did he act impressed with the sheer volume of work I had completed. He simply asked me why I would spend so much time and energy disproving something good. The Church had a lot of good in it that I was ignoring, even mocking. I was trying to negate that good. He told me that I was exceptionally intelligent, and that I should be proving things that are wonderful and helpful and generally doing good things.

The Church—all churches, for that matter—is like a huge tree. The trunk of the tree is the actual doctrine—love one another, do unto others, acknowledge the hand of a higher power in your life, people are good, etc. The branches are where different religions branch out and the people of the religion make statements that may or may not be true. There is goodness to the branches, but they are not necessary for the tree to still be a tree. The leaves are the people. Just people. People say things, people do things, people offend each other, people create false doctrine. Without the leaves, the tree still stands and is still real and good. I, like most people who feel the same way about my Church, became so focused on the leaves that I became angry, disenchanted, and I wanted out. Bryce asked me, “If you were to live your life according to the trunk of the tree and ignore the branches and leaves, would you be a better person at the end of the day?” Yes. Absolutely. “All the things you’re angry about are the branches and leaves. Forget about that. Stay close to the trunk and don’t look up. You’ll find purpose, love, happiness, and your family will embrace you into their lives once again. How can this be wrong? Just try it and see if you’re happier in a week.” I did, and he was absolutely right. I went old-school and forgot about the “leaves” that had made me so angry for so long. I crept under the radar, under the branches, and sought a pure, beautiful life. I found happiness. I shook off the anger. It wasn’t worth my time. I was ready for Bryce—his simple, happy, smart, accepting, nonjudgmental soul. He was wonderful and beautiful and smart. He taught me how to coexist with the religion I had given up. He gave me so many gifts. He gave me our daughter and the best five years of my life. He gave me my family, whom I had shunned so recently. I am so blessed. Bryce, I love you so much. Please watch over our little family as we mourn the loss of husband and daddy.

Cheese samich, baby.

I have been trying to distract myself by surfing the internet, which means checking up on dozens of blogs. It’s interesting--almost surprising--that life goes on. Somebody’s kid just turned 4. Trick-or-treat stories. Wedding pictures. Christmas shopping. Everybody’s kid is cutting their own hair off. New babies, Disneyland, and a camping trip. I’m stalled—in suspended animation. Blogging has become increasingly difficult--when written, my thoughts become egocentric, self-congratulatory narcissism. (I guess that’s the definition of a blog?) How can you go camping when Bryce just died? How are babies born, recitals danced, and horses ridden? Don’t they know what just happened?? (Should I be attempting this "transition" without some form of therapy? Any suggestions?)

Come back, Bryce. This can’t be real. This cannot be my life.

P.S. Recently, someone who knows better (who, incidentally, has claimed to have followed/cared about Bryce's story) acted surprised when I admonished "them" to stay out of the tanning bed. "Are they sure his cancer was due to sun exposure?" Come on. STOP KILLING YOURSELF. Death is not pretty, even if you have a tan. KNOCK IT OFF.

Unbelievable.

Grief is totally unpredictable. One moment is fine, although I’m aware of Bryce’s absence. Out of the blue, a tidal wave of loneliness, sadness and despair washes over me, fills me, drowns me. I can’t fathom this new reality. At least it’s a feeling, though. Feelings are always better than the black hole that sucks every emotion away, leaving me empty and listless—a human shell. Keeping these feelings at bay has become a full time job. If my body is moving and my mind is occupied, there isn’t much room for sorrow. When I slow down, the wave threatens to overtake me again. How long can I outrun it? Family and friends have pulled me out of the murky depths by taking me out, visiting, and otherwise distracting me. My best friend flew out from Connecticut for a few days, which was a welcome reprieve. It was nice to feel alive, albeit briefly. We kept fairly busy, but in those still, dark moments, the sorrow found me. I cannot hide from it.

As I go through all these emotions, one thing buoys my spirit. I KNOW there is something more. I cannot deny it, because Bryce let me know. It is a moment I have told few people about, yet I alluded to it in a previous post. I felt him go. I wasn’t looking for it, waiting for it, or expecting it. After he drew his last breath, we all watched him. We knew. I reached down and removed his breathing mask. I turned around to look at my dad, when suddenly my body was overcome by a sensation I find hard to describe. It was like a low voltage zap that lasted four or five seconds. I couldn’t breathe, see straight or stand upright. I was lifted, warmed, enveloped—it was euphoric. I remember saying, “I’ve got him.” I did. As quickly as it came over me, it left. It was his gift to me; a gift I cannot deny nor logic away. It was the most horrible and wonderful thing to ever have happened. I would give anything to feel that again. Perhaps I should have kept this moment locked in my most sacred vault, but my hope is sharing this moment will bring somebody peace.

Such conflicting emotions. Is he with me, or am I alone? Would I experience that same overwhelming feeling if he were here, or must I rely on hope and faith? The ever-present battle between my mind and my heart continues. I hope my heart wins. It’s the happier ending.

 Dani is power napping right now, and we'll head to the reception shortly. It will be sweet--it's at the Fine Arts Museum, where there's currently an Andy Warhol exhibit. Mmmm, my muse...

Hold your head high, kiddo.

To the girls at Dr. Isotope's office-THANK YOU for the adorable gift!! We miss you guys, and I will bring Dani around in her new outfit to see your new digs!

As for the platelet party, how does Saturday, November 24th sound? Barbara, will you check with the U?

WE'RE KILLING CANCER!!!

I love you, Brycey.

Okay Everyone,

Here is the "scoop" on platelet donation.... Thanks, Katie, Brendan, and Anonymous for the information.  I just got off the phone with a woman named Candy at this link:

http://www.utahblood.org/where/Where.htm

I asked about platelet donation and found out more information.  She mentioned that even though donors can donate frequently (minimum of 5 days between donations) there is a limit of 24 times per year.  So, it is best to donate on a regular basis of 2 times per month or every two and a half weeks if you wanted to do this on a regular basis.

I am thinking of getting a group together who would like to donate platelets.  There are two beds in the Murray location and five beds in the U of U location.  The Murray location could accomodate about 6-8 patients on a Saturday and the U of U location could accomodate about 20+.  If we chose a day, we can schedule a couple weeks in advance and have the appointments set.  

My thinking is that I would like to set up a platelet donation for a Saturday coming up and then have a blood drive a few weeks later.  I may have a couple interested parties in my family who would like to plan it if nobody else does. 

So, PLEASE write in and tell me if you're interested in setting up some group appts.  Otherwise, I will just schedule it for myself.  Saturdays work best for me because I teach during the week.  But some of you may want to schedule a day during the weekday.  Maybe we could have two separate days set up. 

Candy told me that on any given day, they need 20-30 regular platelet donations to help the patients we have on the Wasatch front.  And they only last 5 days.  Babies need them, cancer patients, burn patients, etc.   Chemotherapy patients lose their platelets so they are vital to their survival.

When Candy heard that a group might be interested in setting up a donation, she was speechless at first.  She said that you were remarkable people to want to do that.  I told her about Bryce and the blood drive (in 1 minute or less) and she was so grateful that a group of people would want to do this.

If you don't want to do it, please talk to your families and see if there is someone in your family who would want to.  And then get back to me (or this post) and let us know how to proceed.

It takes about 2 hours for a platelet donation.  They have video/dvd machines so you can pre select a movie you'd like to watch.  It would be just like going to the movie minus the popcorn....(maybe we could bring popcorn!)

This is the time of year when we give thanks for what we have during Thanksgiving and honor the birth of Christ at Christmas and/or share a spirit of giving during this time.  What a great opportunity to give the gift of life and share not only of our spirit, but our very blood with others who need it for their survival. We won't know their names or their stories, but if we did, we would want to help as much as we did when we knew about Bryce's condition.  And some day, we may be the ones who are the recipients to this gift of life. 

Someone told me once that during this holiday season that people were too busy to help others.  Let's not get confused about priorities during our busy family holiday schedules. Let's find a time and JUST DO IT!

If you want to contact me via email instead of the post, my email is teachersfocus@aol.com

That way you can leave contact information necessary to making the appointments.

Barbara

Where do I start? Bryce died last Thursday and I haven’t stopped long enough to feel the loss. He’s just gone. I keep expecting him to call, “Baby, where are you?” I honestly expected to feel him, but I just feel numb. Dani is happy, giggly and starting to crawl. She has been surrounded by people who are happy to play with her, so she’s in high spirits. Thank goodness.

The day after Bryce passed, we met with the mortuary to arrange the funeral program, select a casket, and choose the flowers. Definitely not something I expected to do for my Bryce, and especially not at 32. I selected a brushed stainless steel casket with pinstriping, which Bryce would have chosen for himself. The rest of the day (as well as the past week) was a fog.

During this time, many friends descended upon my home to organize, do laundry, put some of Bryce’s things away, and condense ALL of my furniture and belongings into two rooms. New carpet and paint will be put in sometime next week, as Bryce’s illness took a huge toll on our flooring. Thank you to everyone who sacrificed part of their weekend to serve.

Throngs of relatives came to pay their respects, support our families, and show their love. I have a large extended family located all over the country, and I think most of them came. Another family, my AlloSource family, showed up en masse from near and far to support me as well. That outpouring of love has been humbling, invigorating and definitely added some cheer to this horrific week. I wish I could have spent time with each of you, but my thoughts and energy have been muddled and spread too thin. Go figure.

I have decided that staying busy is the only way to go. I have been very busy, taking care of funeral arrangements, mothering Dani, visiting with relatives and friends, writing the obituary, and running errands. Dani and I attended church on Sunday, which was therapeutic due to so many friends surrounding us with love and support. Dani scored a lollipop (huge mess), I was able to see my beloved Young Women (my Sunday School class that I teach, FYI), and I received much-needed counsel from my friend, Bishop Beattie. I can’t believe that at one time I thought church was pointless.

The viewing was nice—a lot of family and friends came to pay their respects. Bryce looked good, and I owe that to Barry, who cared about Bryce and lovingly took care of his body. I have always felt weird about viewings, but this was different. The ravages of disease that took such a toll on Bryce seemed to have been reversed. He looked peaceful and normal. The room was full of flowers—it took us a long time to read all the cards and admire the arrangements. Thank you to everybody who sent cards and flowers!

Bryce’s funeral was the most amazing experience. About 700 people showed up, leaving standing room only! My brothers Scott and Nic offered beautiful prayers, our dads Roger and Dan, and good friends Bob and John delivered moving and eloquent talks, and about 40 members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir filled the large chapel with beautiful music. My Sunday School girls sang also, which turned into a sob-fest. I loved it. The funeral lasted two hours, and none of it was boring. I tried to check out the crowd, but it was hard to see who was there—as I said, I have been in a fog. As we followed the casket outside (I'm sure the pallbearers were glad Bryce lost all that weight--you guys must have one longer arm today ;) to the vehicles, Nic sped around the corner with a SWEET new Porsche in which to transport me to the cemetery. How he scored the use of that car for the day, I’ll never know. It was fitting, as Bryce was a Porsche fanatic. We like to think Bryce was in there with us, saying, “Come on—let’s see what this baby can do!” (Incidentally, we saw what that baby could do after the burial. That car rocks.) Bryce was buried on the hillside, close to his younger brother Brian. Brady dedicated the grave with a beautiful prayer. The weather was perfect, the flowers were beautiful, and many people honored Bryce’s fight by laying their “We’re Killing Cancer” wristbands on the casket. I also saw a few of the wristbands decorating several headstones around the cemetery. It made me sick to think Bryce was caged up in the casket and would be under the ground. I hated it. I have already been back twice (that was only two days ago!!!) to visit Bryce and make sure Halloween vandals didn’t mess with the burial site. Ohhhh…could you imagine…

There’s a brief update on the past week. As I have mentioned, my story is just beginning. I will keep up this website as long as people read it. I now have a different purpose, one which will require a lot of energy and guidance--that of a single mom, and cancer warrior. I’ll need all your support!

Remember to check out www.100daysoflove.blogspot.com and rise to the challenge!

WE’RE KILLING CANCER!!!!!!

I love you, Brycey.

Click here to go to the actual obituary online. It's surreal.

Bryce Dee Brown, 33, loving husband, daddy, son, brother, and friend, lost his battle with melanoma on October 25, 2007. His entire family surrounded him, held him, and told him funny stories as he passed. For 100 days, Bryce fought with all his might to kill cancer. He fought for his wife Tammy (Sellers), 32, his 9 month-old baby Danika, for his family, and for all those who face this insidious disease. He approached this fight with great dignity, optimism and valor, which was par for his course.

Bryce endured and triumphed over more trials than most would ever know. His love for life, good natured personality, brightness and charm carried him through these tough times, especially through this final conflict. All of his hard work and determination paid off when he married his best friend and love of his life, Tammy, just 5 years ago in the Salt Lake Temple. They loved each other more than anything, and with the birth of their daughter Danika this year, felt ready to take on the world. How quickly life changes, and it is up to each of us to decide how we will be affected. Bryce knew that. He chose to be strong. He chose to be happy.

Family was the most important thing to Bryce, as his family buoyed him and loved him through his darkest challenges. He owes so much of his accomplishments and joys to his father Roger, his mother Jeen, sister Jenni, and brothers Brady and Brian (deceased). Bryce wanted more than anything to attend Brady’s wedding to Ashley (Broderick) in just 3 weeks. He will be there, as all of us know. He was deeply loved by Tammy’s family: Dan and Marian Sellers, Holly and Clark (Chamberlain), Scott and Amy, and Steffani and Nic (Clark) who never considered him an in-law, but as part of the Sellers family. Bryce adored children, especially his nieces and nephew, McKenna, Ella, Addy, Isaac, Avery, Camryn and Brooklyn.

While we all mourn the loss of this remarkable man, we celebrate his life and his spirit, and will watch him live on in his daughter. Bryce’s personality was strong, and it was fun to see what he would “binge” on next. He loved “dogging” with his dad, until it was replaced by Porsches and auto crossing, which was replaced with golfing. Once upon a time, he was an avid mountain biker and skier, and played baseball. Bryce was smart, as everybody who attended school with him at Bountiful High (1992), University of Utah, and University of Phoenix would attest. He was working toward a business degree, which he utilized while working at Bintz Restaurant Supply.

Bryce believed in tissue donation, his wife’s passion and career, and became a donor as a final act of love for others. We all loved this big, strong, “doorway” of a man. A special thank-you goes to his friend Bishop Beattie, for visiting him every day without fail during his 100-day battle. Thanks to Dr. Gordon Watson and Dr. James Pearl for giving him the opportunity to fight this dreaded disease with all the determination he had to give. Thanks to the remarkable staff on East 8 at LDS Hospital and the loving staff at LDS Hospital radiation therapy for believing in the fight, taking care of his entire family, and shedding tears with his passing. Thanks to the staff at Discovery House, who loved him and saved his life 8 years ago.

Every tragedy offers a chance to change the world. I, Tammy Brown, will do my part to honor Bryce by joining the fight against melanoma. Stay away from tanning beds! Protect yourself from the sun! Have your moles checked! Melanoma is preventable, so don’t actively seek it. Melanoma kills.

A viewing will be held Monday, October 29^th, from 6-8 at Lindquist Mortuary in Bountiful, 727 N. 400 E.(Orchard Drive). Another viewing will be held Tuesday, October 30, from 9:45-10:45, followed by a funeral service to honor our fallen warrior at the Val Verda 9^th Ward Chapel in Bountiful, 3317 S. 800 W. from 9:45-10:45.This service is open to all of Bryce’s supporters. If you would like to donate, our cause is the Melanoma Research Foundation. Read about Bryce’s fight at www.brycedbrown.com. We will always love you, Brycey. “We’re Killing Cancer!”