Still Hanging On

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Dani's  birthday was so nice--the turnout of family members was great, and Bryce would have loved it. She loved eating her cake and playing with her wrapping paper. Her little cousins and friends opened her gifts, which was fun to watch. She is starting to babble as if words will come soon, and is traversing the house while holding onto furniture. All of these little milestones are accompanied by the split second thought, "I need to call Bryce and tell him about this!" Yep. Crazy.

I have been fairly traumatized lately, but mainly at night after things settle down. I'm amazed at times by the sudden, violent bouts of grief because they are unpredictable. Then I realize it has been 3 months--ONLY 3 months! That's nothing! Of course I'm still grieving fairly intensely, because virtually no time has passed. This short span of time has healed the wounds of many people who know us, but my wounds are very fresh and some are just opening. Dani and I are alone most of the time now. The house is quiet--too quiet.

For those friends and family who feel neglected by me, please don't. The truth is, I just don't have the energy to talk anymore. I'm not sleeping yet, I'm exhausted, and I just don't...I just can't. It's nothing personal, and I really do think about all of you. Don't give up on my little family just yet!

Today is just the intersection of yesterday and tomorrow. It can't get worse.

30 Comments So Far!

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 12:32 AM
brenda said:

Tammy,
I was just going to log off, since I checked the site earlier, and there was no new post. I'm glad I checked again. It made me so happy to see that you had written. I think I can speak for most of the readers, we all gasp when we see new posts. Just to know that we are going to get a glimpse of how you are doing. You are amazing. Let me know when you want a noisy house. My kids would love to come over and show you there star wars and spider man moves. That is what we are all about these days. You won't even have to talk. You will just be entertained. I think about you all the time and pray for you day and night. My heart is still sad when I think about what you are going through. I'm so sorry.
With love,
brenda

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 3:32 AM
Emilia said:

Tammy,

Glad you have words enough to write even if you don't feel like talking. I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and your family.

Big hug from your "sister" in Sweden

Emilia

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 8:57 AM
Nathan said:

Tammy,
I'm glad to hear that you are doing OK, even if the grief still comes regularly sporatic. I think of you often and Suzie and I still pray for you and Dani. I have made something for you and have been wanting to give it to you for about a month now. I know you need some time, but send me an email or something and let me know when Suzie and I can bring it up to you. Love you!

Nathan

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 9:28 AM
Katie said:

I'm so glad to know you are still hanging on. I admire you for the strength to even post. Keep hanging on--one day you won't just be 'hanging' anymore, you'll be on your feet. I think most everybody understands that you need some time, but we just want you to know that when you do need anything we have to offer, we are ready for you. We are just waiting with our arms open, ready for you when you're ready for us. Hang in there, we're still praying for you.

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 9:37 AM
Jodi said:

Hi Tammy and sweet Dani . . . Even though I'm a lurker you've never met, you are still marked as one of my "favorites" and I do come here to check on you.

To make sure you're "ok" - you're right it's only been a few months. Things are trying to adjust to a "new normal" and you are fighting it every step of the way. Just as Bryce fought cancer.

Take your time to wade through the grief process. That is the only way.

Thinking of you! ~ Jodi

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 10:21 AM
Erin said:

We are still praying and thinking about you daily. Hang in there Tammy.

Erin Herrin

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 10:40 AM
Sharie said:

Still thinking of you from afar. You have the right to grieve, don't feel like you have to apoligize. Time helps but it doesn't heal all wounds. Remember he is near, closer than you think.

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 11:11 AM
Roni said:

Tami
Keep hanging on. We love you.

Love
Roni

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 11:37 AM
Gerry Roberts said:

Tammy, we love you so much. We are still praying for you and we think about you all the time. Give Dani all the hugs you want for Bryce, and she'll do the same for you. It will get better. Hang in there. Love, Gerry

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 11:39 AM
Sara said:

I don't know what else to say but we love you, and think about you often.

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 1:02 PM
Brittani Martin said:

It is always good to see that you have posted. Thank you for letting all of us in on your pain. Keep staying strong. Hold on to little Dani. It sounds like she had a great birthday! I think of you often and always have a prayer in my heart and mind for both of you. Keep praying and staying close to the Lord, he will guide you through this. Allow yourself to grieve, and some day, time will start moving again. We all care for and love you so deeply. Stay Strong!

-Brittani Martin

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 2:04 PM
Jen Stoddard said:

Tammy,

I am always amzed by your strength and ability to write how you feel. It has only been a few months. Continue to wade through that pool of grief. Although it feels like the pain will never go away, it will in time. At your time. Don't rush it. As I have said before, feed off of Dani's little milestones and strengthand genuine compassion for life, share them with Bryce in a conversation late at night or even write him a letter. He is closer then ever now. Cry as you tell him if you need to. In time the nights won't seem so quiet and lonely. Sending you lots of love and prayers from Buffalo!

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 2:42 PM
Sue Benson said:

Dear sweet Tammy,
We will NEVER forget you and your family! We love you too much for that! I can speak for many, we check this site multiple times per day in hopes of seeing some of your words of magic. Yes, your words really are magic and comforting to a lot of us, sounds so selfish, but you have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself and I personally grow and learn each time I read your posts. We love you and Dani so much and wish there was more we could do for you both! Tammy I ran into your dad the other day, please call me regarding your cute home, he would like us to talk. ###-#### anytime!! Hugs and love to you both!!

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 3:43 PM
Barbara Stevens said:

Tammy,

I love you. Keep hanging on and just enjoy your time with Dani. One day these days with Dani will be sweet memories and you won't feel that awful pit in your stomach as you wade through your grief now. For now, just get through your days however is best for you.

Let me know when you want company even if it takes a very long time. No hurry....

Just know that every day I think about you and Dani and hope you are both as well as you can be.
************************************
This is a link that briefly talks about the grief cycle for anyone interested. I'm sure there are thousands more like it. I just happened on this one.

http://msucares.com/pubs/infosheets/is1796.pdf
*****************************************
Also, I found this poem and thought it appropriate:

After The Storm... author unknown

"When the tide comes rolling in,
And the mighty oceans roar,
It can go on land so far
That is all, it goes no more.

When the storm clouds gather round us
And the great big raindrops fall,
Just so much will fall to earth
as it heeds the Master's call.

When the load becomes so heavy
That the body cries in pain,
Remember that this too will end
Like the ocean and the rain.

So adorn thyself with gladness,
Remember God is really there,
He takes time to feed the sparrow,
And He always answers prayer."
*******************************
In the meantime, brace yourself during this rough storm and hang on.... in your time, the Lord will calm the seas and His hand will still be extended to you and His embrace will bring you peace.

Barbara

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 4:01 PM
Mikey said:

Tammy,

Who could ever give up on you? Like everyone else has said before me, we all love you and will not give up on you. I am saddened that you are still hit with so much grief and pain. It is not that I expect you to feel otherwise, I just hate to see you sad. You are a ray of sunlight in this often gloomy world and your genuine love and compassion for others endears you to them/us. We all want you to be happy, bottom line. We understand your exhaustion. Not necesarily because we have been there, but because putting ourselves in your shoes, we realize how incapacitated we would be and recognize your incredible strength and perserverance. You will grow and gain strength from this. Looking back, it wasn't until my mother passed away that I truly gained a testimony. Weird as that sounds, it is true. As a parent of a 2 year old, I understand the joys and highs of seeing your child grow and develop. There is no greater joy in the world to me. To go from high to low like you do seems like riding a rollercoaster while being sick, and just praying to make it to the end alive. We are here for you! Whenever you want us to be. We miss you, and long to just be in your presence again. Hang in there! It may be a long strenuous climb up this mountain, but we are all behind you and Bryce is there with you. The Savior is there with you too. Keep following him and you will eventually reach the Summit. Pray often and know that you are in our prayers too. We are here for you!

Mikey

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 7:36 PM
Tami Peterson said:

Hang in there, girl. You are blessed more than you know...Our Father in Heaven loves you...and so do we. I have grown to love you through your words, and your deeds. You are such a good Momma and wife. I look up to you more than you know. Thank You for enriching my life as well as those around you.

WE'RE KILLING CANCER!!

Tami

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 9:07 PM
John said:

Tammy,
We just wanted to let you know that we still think of you often. I often listen to a message that Bryce left on my voicemail last July inviting me to go golfing with him. It seems like it was just yesterday. We miss him but at the same time feel so greatful to have been in a small part of his life.

Please continue to be strong, know that we love you. Em and I were so happy to be able to come to Dani's party and we hope to see you soon.

Love John, Emily, Sam and Miles.

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 9:57 PM
Jen Brown said:

Tammy,

It may have only been three months since Bryce's death, but you have been in this whirlwind for more than six. That is a long time, and you've come a long way....

Jen

On Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 11:02 PM
Jenni said:

In the midst of the craziness of our own battle with melanoma (Brian is in hospice now), I never stop thinking of you and praying for you as you try to find your way out of the grief. I lost my mom suddenly about 2 years ago, and started reading a book called Motherless Mothers. One thing that has struck home for me is this...death is not one loss, it is a series of losses. So although Bryce's death was a huge blow, the ripples will go on forever...the birthdays, the first day of school, prom, even little moments that are seemingly no big deal to other families, suddenly become a source of grief for someone who has lost a loved one. I will say some extra prayers for you. I am not sleeping much lately either. The reality of what is happening to my life is overwhelming. Little thoughts run through my head. The other day I called home and Brian answered. I had something I was going to ask, but the second I heard his voice, I just burst into tears because I know the time will come that I won't have anyone to come home to and he won't be here to answer the phone.

I just want to remind you that it is your loss, your grief. It will take the path that fits you, that fits what you had with Bryce and what you lost, and more importantly what you gained, by loving him and being loved by him. There is no time frame. The grief will probably come in waves. Be good to yourself and try to take care of you, as you know Bryce would want you to, and Dani needs you. I say this, thinking that when Brian is gone, I already feel like I'll just want to get in bed for a year or so and block everything out because it will hurt to much.

I do hope during your grief that you might start to enjoy the memories and feel close to Bryce. I don't know what else to say. Even me, who does know what this hell feels like, can't really tell you how to feel because only you know. Take time for yourself and give yourself a break when the grief surfaces. You are grieving someone that was very special to you, and how could you feel any differently?

I was happy to see your post tonight. I don't expect you to keep us updated. I've just had you on my mind a lot lately.

In friendship,
Jenni Halley, wife of Brian, stage IV melanoma

On Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 8:15 AM
poppy said:

Nobody expects you to feel better, to be better, to be moving on...NO WAY . Yes 3 months is nothing and I know you must feel so raw. When look at your blog I just feel love and compassion...absolutely no expectaions or thoughts that you are moving on. You are grieving and will be for however long that is necessary for you. I have a baby Danni's age and feel that responsibility of giving so much to that little person.
I hope that one day we may communicate...what a priviledge, until then you are held in our families love and prayers and watched because we care, because one day there may be a connection but regardless just here to send love and support...no expectations...just be you and so many peple accept and understand...oh and are in awe of that.xxxxxxxxx

On Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 11:37 AM
Tara said:

Hang in there, Tammy. You're in my thoughts.

On Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 12:55 PM
Christy said:

Tammy,

I'll never give up on you, our friendship is forever. (how cheesy is that? haha) I'll be here when you're ready to talk, hang out, chat, whatever.

Until then, know that I think about you daily. Thanks for taking the time to update.

Much love,
Christy (Avis)

On Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 1:04 PM
Elaine Miles said:

No one can tell you how long you should grieve. Take all the time you need. It will get easier but it won't be overnight. We continue to pray for you and Dani. We love you so much.

Love, Aunt Elaine

On Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 6:37 PM
dishes and laundry said:

Tammy, you inspire me with your strength. I know you don't feel like you're strong, but just these few words now and then and knowing that you are keeping on, in spite of the grief, it lifts me somehow. People you don't even know are rooting for you, aching for you, and praying for you. No rush, don't feel like you need to hurry through, and please don't worry about other people's expectations. You are amazing.

I'm in the middle of planning a family reunion at Bear Lake this coming summer. I'm lecturing everyone about sunblock - the good old rub-on kind, where you can be sure to get every bit of exposed skin, hats, good coverups, etc. Bryce's story is very much in my mind, and I'm making sure no one gets sunburned on this trip!

Pale skin will have to be in
'cause getting a tan is completely banned!

On Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 10:12 PM
Christine Uporsky said:

My dear friend Tammy,
Give up on you is something I could and would Never ever do!! I love you way too much to do that!!! Zachery, out of no where started talking to me about you and Bryce today and HE put the necklace on me and said "Mommie, Bryce wants you to be wearing this you need to wear it if you want to get better" well it's on now and never coming off. I don't think there is a day that goes by Tammy that I don't think about you and Dani and how you are doing. I hope you feel my thoughts and prayers for you and I hope you get the nudges I send to you.
I hope you know that I am here for you for ANYTHING!!!
Love,
Christine Uporsky

On Friday, February 1, 2008 at 10:56 PM
Sally Mc said:

Sweet Tammy... 3 months down and ???? to go!! I'm working on just less than 10 and when you describe "sudden, silent, bouts of grief" I can say I know exactly what you're talking about Where DO they come from? Even though I still have them, which may not cheer you up much, they are fewer and farther between. I wish a year was the magic number every thinks it is, but something tells me that April 10th isn't going to be much different than April 6th when thinking of Gord. Just keep putting that one foot in front of the other one and make sure you're conversing with Heavenly Father because he's really the only one that can give us the peace we need.
I'm sorry I' haven't been down to see you.It doesn't take much to turn it all around to have it be just about me and want to curl up and vegitate!!!!!!!
I love you Sweetie. And I'm here Call me if you want company or need a babysitter or both.
Love You, sally

On Tuesday, February 5, 2008 at 8:12 PM
Aunt Melanie said:

Sweet Tams,
Love the socks off ya!! You two 'girls' take care of each other and snuggle up tight. We would love to snuggle with you here anytime you can make it. Time can be a friend and an enemy. May it soon become more friendly. I know Bryce is pulling for you and also must yearn for the day the family will be together again. I'm sure time is different for him---it seems forever here, doesn't it! Cry as much as you need but try not to isolate yourself too much. Know my heart often beats in rythum with yours. I love you, Tammy and Dani.
Aunt Melanie

On Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 10:58 AM
Sally B. said:

Dear Tammy,
I continue to think of you and pray for you and put your name on the prayer roll. I'm so glad to hear there are some nice moments. C.S. Lewis, after his wife passed on, wished people would to be in the room with him and talk to each other. He didn't want to be included in the conversation, but it removed the silence. Sounds to me like you're not crazy at all.
All our love,
Marian and Sally

On Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 6:00 PM
erin said:

Tammi,

I am hearing great comments from Amy about life at Tammi's, LOL. You are so funny and strong.

Love you Tammi

Erin

On Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 10:32 PM
Cassie Briggs said:

We love you Tammy!! Your still in our hearts and prayers everyday!

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