Dani's  birthday was so nice--the turnout of family members was great, and Bryce would have loved it. She loved eating her cake and playing with her wrapping paper. Her little cousins and friends opened her gifts, which was fun to watch. She is starting to babble as if words will come soon, and is traversing the house while holding onto furniture. All of these little milestones are accompanied by the split second thought, "I need to call Bryce and tell him about this!" Yep. Crazy.

I have been fairly traumatized lately, but mainly at night after things settle down. I'm amazed at times by the sudden, violent bouts of grief because they are unpredictable. Then I realize it has been 3 months--ONLY 3 months! That's nothing! Of course I'm still grieving fairly intensely, because virtually no time has passed. This short span of time has healed the wounds of many people who know us, but my wounds are very fresh and some are just opening. Dani and I are alone most of the time now. The house is quiet--too quiet.

For those friends and family who feel neglected by me, please don't. The truth is, I just don't have the energy to talk anymore. I'm not sleeping yet, I'm exhausted, and I just don't...I just can't. It's nothing personal, and I really do think about all of you. Don't give up on my little family just yet!

Today is just the intersection of yesterday and tomorrow. It can't get worse.

That's what Bryce told me exactly one year ago just moments after our baby was born. Danika turns 1 today, January 12. I wish her daddy could share this with her. It sounds crazy, but I sent Bryce an e-vite to come to her family birthday party. I received an automated notice in my e-mail today stating that Bryce hadn't RSVP'd, which felt like a kick to the head. All the air was sucked out of the room as I once again realized he is still gone.

The holidays were painful and lonely, yet there were bright moments where I witnessed the goodness in others and saw happiness around me. Every snowstorm brought helpful people armed with shovels, lifting part of my burden with each scoop of snow. One evening I opened the front door to find a front yard full of carolers, bearing a wonderful gift and leaving no names. Dani and I were surrounded with family and friends, loving and caring for us and making sure we forged ahead with new memories. People are GOOD. Thank you all, friends and anonymous angels!

Just as the holidays ended, another wave of tragedy swept through the lives of people I care about. My college roommate and friend succumbed to cancer and died at 33, same age as Bryce. A few days later two of my neighbors were in a tragic car accident. Another young widow now sits a block from my home, preparing for her husband's funeral tomorrow and wondering how she will find the strength to attend. It's really not fair.

Despite the pain of the past several months, Dani and I are healthy and doing well. I am grateful to have this beautiful little girl, this little one year old angel who can stand unsupported for ten whole seconds! Seven teeth, fuzzy blonde hair, chunky legs, and looking more like her daddy every day.

Happy Birthday, little baby. We love you!