Week In A Fog
Where do I start? Bryce died last Thursday and I haven’t stopped long enough to feel the loss. He’s just gone. I keep expecting him to call, “Baby, where are you?” I honestly expected to feel him, but I just feel numb. Dani is happy, giggly and starting to crawl. She has been surrounded by people who are happy to play with her, so she’s in high spirits. Thank goodness.
The day after Bryce passed, we met with the mortuary to arrange the funeral program, select a casket, and choose the flowers. Definitely not something I expected to do for my Bryce, and especially not at 32. I selected a brushed stainless steel casket with pinstriping, which Bryce would have chosen for himself. The rest of the day (as well as the past week) was a fog.
During this time, many friends descended upon my home to organize, do laundry, put some of Bryce’s things away, and condense ALL of my furniture and belongings into two rooms. New carpet and paint will be put in sometime next week, as Bryce’s illness took a huge toll on our flooring. Thank you to everyone who sacrificed part of their weekend to serve.
Throngs of relatives came to pay their respects, support our families, and show their love. I have a large extended family located all over the country, and I think most of them came. Another family, my AlloSource family, showed up en masse from near and far to support me as well. That outpouring of love has been humbling, invigorating and definitely added some cheer to this horrific week. I wish I could have spent time with each of you, but my thoughts and energy have been muddled and spread too thin. Go figure.
I have decided that staying busy is the only way to go. I have been very busy, taking care of funeral arrangements, mothering Dani, visiting with relatives and friends, writing the obituary, and running errands. Dani and I attended church on Sunday, which was therapeutic due to so many friends surrounding us with love and support. Dani scored a lollipop (huge mess), I was able to see my beloved Young Women (my Sunday School class that I teach, FYI), and I received much-needed counsel from my friend, Bishop Beattie. I can’t believe that at one time I thought church was pointless.
The viewing was nice—a lot of family and friends came to pay their respects. Bryce looked good, and I owe that to Barry, who cared about Bryce and lovingly took care of his body. I have always felt weird about viewings, but this was different. The ravages of disease that took such a toll on Bryce seemed to have been reversed. He looked peaceful and normal. The room was full of flowers—it took us a long time to read all the cards and admire the arrangements. Thank you to everybody who sent cards and flowers!
Bryce’s funeral was the most amazing experience. About 700 people showed up, leaving standing room only! My brothers Scott and Nic offered beautiful prayers, our dads Roger and Dan, and good friends Bob and John delivered moving and eloquent talks, and about 40 members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir filled the large chapel with beautiful music. My Sunday School girls sang also, which turned into a sob-fest. I loved it. The funeral lasted two hours, and none of it was boring. I tried to check out the crowd, but it was hard to see who was there—as I said, I have been in a fog. As we followed the casket outside (I'm sure the pallbearers were glad Bryce lost all that weight--you guys must have one longer arm today ;) to the vehicles, Nic sped around the corner with a SWEET new Porsche in which to transport me to the cemetery. How he scored the use of that car for the day, I’ll never know. It was fitting, as Bryce was a Porsche fanatic. We like to think Bryce was in there with us, saying, “Come on—let’s see what this baby can do!” (Incidentally, we saw what that baby could do after the burial. That car rocks.) Bryce was buried on the hillside, close to his younger brother Brian. Brady dedicated the grave with a beautiful prayer. The weather was perfect, the flowers were beautiful, and many people honored Bryce’s fight by laying their “We’re Killing Cancer” wristbands on the casket. I also saw a few of the wristbands decorating several headstones around the cemetery. It made me sick to think Bryce was caged up in the casket and would be under the ground. I hated it. I have already been back twice (that was only two days ago!!!) to visit Bryce and make sure Halloween vandals didn’t mess with the burial site. Ohhhh could you imagine
There’s a brief update on the past week. As I have mentioned, my story is just beginning. I will keep up this website as long as people read it. I now have a different purpose, one which will require a lot of energy and guidance--that of a single mom, and cancer warrior. I’ll need all your support!
Remember to check out www.100daysoflove.blogspot.com and rise to the challenge!
WE’RE KILLING CANCER!!!!!!
I love you, Brycey.