Rumination. Grief. Whatever.

| | Comments (55)

Tonight (this morning) I sit in my brother-in-law’s old bedroom, which is next door to Bryce’s old room. Dani is asleep in there. I am haunted by memories, as each of my senses takes a pummeling. I hear the cuckoo clock every half hour and the dogs lapping from their bowl, which intensifies all other senses as the night plods on. Sleep is not happening tonight--no way. I remember coming to this house in the middle of the night after my shift at the tissue bank in 2002. Bryce would wrap me up in a dozen blankets and we’d watch TV until he fell asleep, then I’d go home. It still smells like Bryce up here, and it’s still FREEZING. (Where is Brady’s stocking cap??)

I have been trying to distract myself by surfing the internet, which means checking up on dozens of blogs. It’s interesting--almost surprising--that life goes on. Somebody’s kid just turned 4. Trick-or-treat stories. Wedding pictures. Christmas shopping. Everybody’s kid is cutting their own hair off. New babies, Disneyland, and a camping trip. I’m stalled—in suspended animation. Blogging has become increasingly difficult--when written, my thoughts become egocentric, self-congratulatory narcissism. (I guess that’s the definition of a blog?) How can you go camping when Bryce just died? How are babies born, recitals danced, and horses ridden? Don’t they know what just happened?? (Should I be attempting this "transition" without some form of therapy? Any suggestions?)

Come back, Bryce. This can’t be real. This cannot be my life.

P.S. Recently, someone who knows better (who, incidentally, has claimed to have followed/cared about Bryce's story) acted surprised when I admonished "them" to stay out of the tanning bed. "Are they sure his cancer was due to sun exposure?" Come on. STOP KILLING YOURSELF. Death is not pretty, even if you have a tan. KNOCK IT OFF.

Unbelievable.

55 Comments So Far!

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 7:14 AM
Karis Morrow said:

Tammy,
19 months ago my dad lost the love of his life, his soulmate, my mom, his wife of nearly 34 years and the mother of their 4 children to a massive heart attack. She was just 53. My dad denied needing any couseling, afterall he worked out at least an hour a day and on the really tough days he would retreat to the basement and take out his anger, frustration, saddness and disappointment on a poor, defenseless punching bag. He would tell us how he felt so much better to just punch and cry. To make a very long, complicated story shorter, here we are 19 months later and he is finally realizing that he needs some help. Cut to the chase Tammy and call someone to talk to. Friends and family are great but a licensed counselor is trained to teach you coping techniques. After an anxiety attack at the end of August I finally admitted that I was not okay either. Dealing with my mom's death, the fact that life goes on, and that my brother-in-law (Brian from Missouri, Stage IV Melanoma) just couldn't seem to get a leg up on this disease, all came crashing down on me. I have discovered some things about myself and am on the road to making positive changes. I had all but quit working (I am self employed so that was not acceptable since it meant no paycheck either) and I was angry all the time. I couldn't have a conversation with my husband without yelling at him and my almost 4 year old said on a weekly basis "Mommy, could you please stop yelling at my daddY?" Get the help you need now before your sadness and anger get too out of control. Dani needs you to be healthy in every way, body, mind and soul. I hope this helps. Praying for you every day, Karis Morrow, Missouri

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 9:47 AM
Nathan said:

Tammy, sweet Tammy. Grief is difficult, but necessary. The feelings you are having are normal. Grief comes in waves, as I'm sure you have experienced. Sometimes those waves may feel like they are going to drown you. Understand that the waves will calm with time... just make sure that right now they do not wash you away. If you need someone to talk to... I am very willing... if you need someone else, there is no shame in therapy. It is important to process and feel your emotions, just don't get stuck in them. Keep moving forward, it will get easier with time.

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said:

Dear Tammy,

My heart is hurting for you and for the heartache you will endure. I am sure you will endure much more but I think you will endure it well. If you were to look back 6 months ago, were you as strong then as you were during the 100 day battle? Do you know how strong you still are even though it is all hiding under your grief?
For now give your troubles away to your father in heaven for a while each day and bask in the beauty of your child and the wonder of being a mother. If you need more help and therapy, get it. Don't wait.
Take care of yourself, sounds like you still have a war to win.

I wish you a very Merry Christmas Tammy.
God Bless you.

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 11:35 AM
Barbara Stevens said:

Hi Tammy,

I think it might be helpful to talk with people who have been in a similar situation. Losing a spouse through cancer is a very specific kind of loss and it could prove helpful to go to the blogs you were speaking about and emailing a woman who has gone through what you are just beginning.

When my grandma was dying of cancer I gave her a book reluctantly that I felt impressed to give. It was about how to prepare for death. She died 2 months later. Although I felt badly about giving it to her, she was so grateful. She said to my mom before she died that it was very helpful in taking care of some things she hadn't thought about. Maybe if you spoke with someone who has gone through a very similar situation she could give you some specific tips on how to handle things you haven't thought of yet...

She also saw a grief counselor years before when her husband died. Sometimes a stranger is easier to talk to because you don't feel like you have to be strong for them.

I'm thinking of you every day. I hope this helps.

Barbara

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 12:26 PM
Mindi said:

Tammy, take this from someone who has had anxiety issues since the death of my grandfather when I was 6. Counseling is a good thing. You don't have to worry about censoring what you say or how you feel, you don't have to worry about someone repeating what you've said (not that friends and family are gossips, but they worry and share information amongst each other), and you can cry, wail, or tear paper into itty bitty pieces - whatever you need in the safety of a counselor's office. Don't bottle this up and try to be "normal" for everyone else's sake. The mind is a powerful thing, and things that are bottled up are sure to blow up later, kind of like too much carbonation being held too long. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and Dani.

As far as the tanning bed thing, don't get me started! My dad actually bought one because his wife wanted it. My brother tans regularly and so do both my sisters. I wish I could get them to see what they're doing to themselves, but people in their 40s are no different than toddlers in that respect! Guess all I can do in their case is pray that they don't kill themselves trying to look good.

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 2:36 PM
Katie said:

I've been thinking about you a lot, and wanted you to know that we're still praying for you. I have no good advice for you. None. I can't even comprehend what you are going through. Just know that when you write, you don't sound egocentric or narcissistic. You sound like you are honest, and hurting. I wish I could do something to take away or alleviate the pain. All I can do is listen. Honestly, anything you need, I'd love to help you however I can. Some people cope through writing, some through physical activity, some through endless ice cream. No matter how many people I talk to, when I am struggling with something, I never feel better until I actually write it down. Sometimes I write it two or three times. My point is just that everybody copes differently. If you don't feel like you are yourself right now, it's no wonder. Just know that you have a LOT of people still praying for you and wanting to help in anyway they can. We're still pulling for you, we always will!

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 3:40 PM
Holly said:

All I know is that if I had to ever go through what you're having to go through, I would be in therapy for sure. It can't hurt. I say go for it.

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 4:06 PM
Sally B. said:

Dearest Tammy,
My mother and I think of you and pray for you always. At this very moment, they're praying for you in Los Angeles and Provo.

But that doesn't replace being able to share your grief--including those parts you wouldn't want to burden others with or that you would hate to acknowledge. There's nothing wrong with receiving help. We all need help. And there are talented people who can listen and counsel.

I have no words to bind your wounds, so I looked for wisdom from someone else. I hope his words will help somehow.

This is what Elder Wirthlin said in Conference after his wife died. “When President Hinckley spoke at Sister Wirthlin’s funeral, he said that it is a devastating, consuming thing to lose someone you love. It gnaws at your soul. He was right. As Elisa was my greatest joy, now her passing is my greatest sorrow.

“In the lonely hours I have spent a great deal of time thinking about eternal things.…I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.…Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair…the Apostles were devastated…the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.… I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

“But the doom of that day did not endure.

“The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death.…And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise…

“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come.” (Joseph B. Wirthlin)

We love you.
Sally and Marian

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 4:22 PM
Elizabeth Brooks said:

Hello Tammy,
Im so sorry that you are in a really hard, sad and unfair place right now. I dont really have any advice for you except to say follow your heart ... If you think talking to a counsellor will help , go give it a try. I bet all your family and friends would happily take all your pain away... if only they could.
I wish you well ... and hope that the strength and energy to fight the good fight of healing your heart comes to you.
Best Wishes
Elizabeth

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 4:45 PM
Elaine Miles said:

Tammy,

Don't feel bad about getting some help. Just do it. Do it for you, do it for Dani, and do it for Bryce. We all experience grief in different forms and sometimes we need to have an unbiased person to help us figure out what to do next. Talk to your bishop, your parents, your in-laws. They probably all know someone that can help you. And most of all, remember to take your struggles to the Lord--he knows what you're going through. In time, you'll be able to give this burden over to him and then you'll see how to move on. In the meantime, don't expect this grieving process to go away so quickly. After all, it's not been that long. Give yourself time.
As for the tanning beds, every time I pass a tanning salon, I cringe. I just want to stand outside their door and tell everyone I see how awful they (salons) are and to turn around and go home. I'm so glad that I've never gone to one before, and I'm surprised that anyone who has known of Bryce would continue to do so.
My prayers continue to be with you and Dani, and my thoughts continue to wrap around you. I think about you always and love you so much. I'm a good listener, also. You know how to reach me.

Sending hugs and kisses your way.
Aunt Elaine

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 6:37 PM
Christine Uporsky said:

Hey My Friend Tammy,
Oh how I miss you!!! I was sitting at my desk not able to make a thing the other day because I was thinking about a day not so long ago when I was at a crop and my phone rang....
"Hello"...
"Hello...Is this Christine?"...
"Oh My Gosh is this Bryce?".....
You know the rest...I sat at my desk the other day just reflecting on that day and how all the ladies thought I was talking to a celebrity and I let them believe that too!! By the time I got off the phone I had 27 women gathered next to me waiting to find out who I was talking to. So I stood up and told them all about Bryce and by the time I was done they all had tears and smile on their faces. They were amazed by the both of you!!!
Tammy Bryce is with you everyday sweetie in all the little things you do.
I think there would be no harm in going for counseling or even finding a support group.
You can always text me or call me I am up those hours at night you know that!!!
I miss you I love you so very much!!!
Love and hugs.
Your friend,
Christine

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 7:14 PM
Melanie said:

I have been reading your blog for months now and have never said a word. Who am I, as some stranger, to jump in and think I can say anything to console you?
Maybe just a little of "I know what you're feeling??" My dad died at 48 of colon cancer and he had 6 young kids. Now my little sister, only 30 is battling lymphoma. I think her blog is a sweet little place to feel the spirit once and a while. In your late night travels through the blogs - check out www.shelbysjourney.blogspot.com

I feel for you every day.

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 7:36 PM
Christy said:

Dear friend. You're far from egocentric. You have so many people out there wondering how your'e doing, wondering what your thoughts are, concerned about Dani. It is beyond kind of you to post any blog entries at all. I certainly don't expect them, only hope. Each time I see them, it's a gift.

I gave some serious thought to cancelling some plans I had the weekened after Bryce's funeral. I was too sad to think about socializing with anyone, and wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around you and Dani. At that point, I remembered Bryce, and challenged myself and all of my friends to do what they could to make a new friend, because that was Bryce's style. He so totally rubbed off on me! I believe that I am a better person, because of Bryce. :)

Dear friend, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. You don't realize how brave and inspiring you are. Not an hour of a day passes by that I don't think of you. I'm so, so sorry that you are experiencing the pain and grief that you are. I wish I could take it all away.

Much love to you, Dani, and your family.

Christy

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 8:14 PM
Annie said:

Tammy,

It's Matt's Mom again. I just want to say I finished reading your lovely tributes to Bryce and as one who last year helped with a friend I think you are the hero.

I am married to a widower and his wife is still a huge part of our lives. A loving and kind woman who let her husband's heart grow to make room for one more. With time the funny stories come out. Remembered more than the times of sadness. But all important so her Grandchildren will know their Grandmother and all she was.

I admire your courage so much. Still writing and letting us peek into and learn from your life and marriage. Your amazing humor in the face of all that has happened. Your smile is still a beautiful memory in my heart.

And how lucky my Grandsons were to get chased by the HUGE Chicken. You rock!!!

Thank you.

Annie

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 9:29 PM
Anon said:

A Grief Observed: by CS Lewis

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times if feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting.

Yet I want others to be around me. I dread moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me."

You are not alone and you are not crazy Tammie. Buy this book and read it when you are ready.

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 10:53 PM
Lindsey said:

Tammy- you have been on my mind all day today and I've been thinking about how you were doing. I am constantly thinking of you and praying for you daily. I love you very much!

On Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 11:11 PM
brenda said:

Tammy,

My heart is sad for you. Its a sadness that I have felt so many times before in reading the blog. Another one of those moments that I would love to be there for you and help take some of the heartache away. But, unfortunately, that's not the way it works.
It's interesting, you have just helped in fighting a huge battle that wasn't so much in your control. You now have control over your health, but probably not a lot of fight left. That's probably when its time to rely on other's skills and gifts of healing. There is a lot of help out there. From psychologists and psychiatrists to massage therapists and holistic approaches. You still need to pamper yourself. You are still fighting the battle. I agree with the other comments. If you feel like you need the help, go for it. Call me for anything, but also if you need some references on the holistic end of things!
You are wonderful.
love,
brenda

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 12:01 AM
Shazz Pratten - Australia said:

tammy,
i don't know you but after walking through the darkest depths of grief with our best friends who lost their daughter in an accident 4 years ago, you just need to keep walking forward through your life, one step at a time.

somedays you will just be able to cope with the next hour, and then the next and the next.

i cannot tell you enough how wonderful it was for my friends to receive counselling and how beneficial i found it for myself as their main support person.

all i can say is try it. it may not be for you but then again, it may be just what you need.

no one can tell you how best to grieve - you will know in your heart what is best for you and your baby girl to get through these dark days without your beloved bryce.
my prayers and tears are with you.
god bless you and dani xxoo

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 6:27 AM
Cassie Briggs said:

Tammy,

My heart is so sad for you and I want to just give a great big hug right now! Maybe I will get that chance soon!! :) You know Jeff and I are always here for you anytime day or night. Jeff is a great listener if you haven't figured that out already. Family and friends are a great outlet, but if you feel you need someone else to talk to (believe me I know that feeling) I say there is no shame in seeing a counselor. My mom lost her father to colon cancer about 10 years ago. She still misses him everyday, but therapy helped her tremedously along with support from her friends and family, which you clearly have. I would not think of your blog as being egocentric at all. It's a great way of getting your feelings out as well! We love you! Take care of yourself and little Dani!

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 8:19 AM
ashlan said:

Tammy~
My heart breaks for you daily, I couldn't imagine what you are going through. I had a phsycologist once say, "normal people go to couciling, the people who say you must be crazy if you go to a psychologisy are the crazy ones". I have a sister-in-law who used to do grief counciling in the Utah Valley Hospital that delt with alot of people in your situation. If you would like her number I can get it to you. We love you greatly, and wish only th ebest for the two of you.
Word on the street is you should have new carpet in your darling house. (yes I stoped by when Nick was painting, I love your style.)

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 9:58 AM
Sara said:

I can't tell you how many times I think about you and Dani each day. Every time I think about posting a new blog, I think the same thing- how can I be going on with my life when Tammy is in such pain? When I am mad at Isaac for something or another, a little nagging voice tells me- how dare you waste time being mad. You and Bryce have touched our lives, and although it is often hard to know what to say, we love you and pray for you and think about you. We have another good friend who lost her husband to cancer a few years ago, when here little boy was one. He was an amazing man, just as Bryce was, and I think of her each day as I think of you. We love you.

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 10:55 AM
Roni said:

Tammy

I love you and wish I could help in some way. I do know you cant do it alone. I know of someone who is very good if you are interested. Let me know.

My heart breaks for you.

Roni

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 11:13 AM
Sondra Cornia said:

Tammy:

Each of us needs to grieve in our own way. And the process may go on for a very long time. There is no shame in seeking advice, and counseling is a good thing.

You do not have to ever appologize, or hide, or deny your grief. Speak of it often, and tell your story.

After my son's funeral, when everyone had gone, I felt I had entered a stange and new land. Life was happening all around me, people talked and laughed, lived their lives, and I couldn't join in their dance of life. I was puzzled and a little angry that no one was sharing my grief. I wanted my old life back!

I sought professional counseling. There are many wonderful people ready and willing to listen, to encourage, to uplift and console.

I can tell you that even though I will never ever "get over" my son's death, I have been able to begin living a new life; one that has joy and happiness, and best of all laughter.

"To fashion an inner story of our pain carries us into the heart of it, which is where rebirth inevitably occurs."--Sue Monk Kidd

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 1:36 PM
Sally Mc said:

Tammy, Yes, life goes on...at least for everyone else and we have to just stumble along being them! Everyone told me how strong I was during Gordon's illness and death. I didn't feel very strong, but I thought I must have been. I guess it wasn't until we laid him to rest that I fully realized that I was being carried. My strength was far beyond my own physical and mental capacity. When it was over (is it ever really over?)I didn't need couseling because I was STRONG! Even though I know that I still have the Lord's help on a daily basis, I have realized that it is a CONSTANT battle to keep putting that one foot in front of the other like I keep telling you to do. I love/hate what Anon send to you from C.S. Lewis. It is so true. Sometimes everything around you is a blur. You're present, but not really there. Your heart pounds, anxiety is so close, and the emptiness unending. I know that we need to turn it over to the Lord, but frankly it isn't always that easy! Some days I have peace in my heart and do real well...other days I feel as if I'd like to die so I can see him again. But then I think about my sweet daughter and new Grandbaby and the opportunity I have to talk about her Grandpa with her. He would not want me to go there! BUT IT'S HARD! I wish so much I could tell you it will get better soon, but it really won't...not for awhile. It's been almost 8 months for me and I still find myself taking huge dives more often than I'd like. Do I need counseling? Yeah, I think I do. Come go to the Grief Support Group with me at LDS Family Services..... I keep putting it off...things come up, and afterall I'm STRONG!!!!! We could be Grief Groupies!!!!

Tammy, we all handle things differently and I can't say that I know how you feel, but I know how I feel after losing my Sweetheart. Cry, scream, get counseling, don't get counseling, pray your heart out for comfort.Laugh (it's ok)! Do whatever works for you. I love you sweet girl! Let me know if you want to hang out on Wednesday nights!!!!! Give Dani a smooch!

Love, Sally

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 4:42 PM
Brittani Martin said:

Tammy and Dani-

You two stay strong for each other. I think counseling could be very good. Sometimes you get worried about telling a family member or friend EVERYTHING you are feeling, you worry it will burden them. It may be a good idea to just have someone to talk to. Keep your faith strong. Pray always. Our Heavenly Father is so mindful of you in your time of need! He knows you personally, and the world has stopped just as much for Him, as it has for you. He is watching over you. Allow him to carry you through this. We all pray for you both daily, and you are never far from our thoughts. Thank you for your example.

Brittani

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 4:56 PM
Daisha said:

Tammy- We love you girl! We think of you guys often and continue to pray for you always. I can't imagine the pain & loss you must feel! Keep your chin up and know that you're not forgotten!
Daisha

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 7:59 PM
Anonymous said:

I've followed your blog since I saw Bryce's obituary. So many times I've wanted to send you a note. You are a great writer and make your readers really feel your feelings. I lost my 38 year old sister to cancer a few years ago. She left behind 3 young children. I remember the sadness her husband had for the first year or so. He said about a month after the funeral that he never knew a person's body could withstand so much pain and hurt so bad. He thought the worst grief would've been when she died and having to bury her, but things got a lot worse before they got better. I sure think about you a lot (without even knowing you or Bryce). I'm sad you're going through so much sorrow. It really is everyone's nightmare to lose a person so close to them! I'm sorry! Thinking of you!

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 9:59 PM
You've got a friend in PA said:

Hi Tammy, I have checked your blog from time to time, I happened across it by coincidence I suppose. I am so so very sorry for your loss, I think yours is the most honest reaction I could ever have imagined. I would be the same.. "is this my life?" .. how could it possibly be? ..... this does not make you selfish. It makes you someone who loved and feels that loss.

Your sense of humor is astounding and honest to God, you're candid remarks make me laugh out loud sometimes.

I cannot imagine your pain, and the depths of your sorrow.. but I do believe when our loved ones pass we are only separated by a veil.. Damn that veil is like a concrete wall when it first happens.. but over time it thins down and we can feel things through it.

It seems you have tried so hard to be busy, to be positive, to push ahead. But sister, if you need a break and if you need to tell someone to shut thier cake hole about tanning, then do it. And do it loud. And then have a glass of pino..dammit.. or have 3.

I know someone who passed recently from Melanoma, you know my a-- was out of that tanning bed in a hot second as soon as I learned what can happen. I tell everyone I know as well. I'll keep up that good work for him, for you, for everyone who suffers from this monster.

Hang tight girl, you are stronger than you know.. and probably stronger than you want to be, but you'll feel it soon.

Heather, a blog spying friend in PA

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 11:55 PM
Kristin Smith said:

Hi Tammy-
Well i just missed you today at Wimpole Street. I wish our paths had crossed. But i'll pass on my love and concern that continues for you ,Dani and all the Browns and Sellers. I am still so amazed by your honesty and your insight through all the pain. Thanks for sharing.
I remember a time when i lost several people who were very close to me in a short period of time. It is crazy to hear you say how your world has stalled while the rest of the world goes on. I remember feeling very similarly. Wondering who still goes to work, watches tv, goes to the mall while my world stands still and i wallow in such pain, greif and sorrow. I can only say embrace each emotion and don't push them aside. When you face them head on, one at a time, you'll move to the next phase ready for what comes. Allow yourself to feel it all. Know that there still remains an army of people to support you and help carry you until you can walk and then run again on your way. Talk to anyone, everyone or no one at all. Whatever helps you is what you should do. You remain in prayers and thoughts daily.
I am so sorry.
kristin

On Friday, November 30, 2007 at 12:11 AM
Amanda said:

I was reading Vogue Magazine the other day and they had an article of skin cancers and the dangers of UV rays. It was a really neat article and very informative. I think that it was in November 2007. I thought of you working to inform everyone about the dangers. Thank you so much!!
I have been so much more consious since I heard you story.

Amanda

On Friday, November 30, 2007 at 4:44 AM
Nameless lurker said:

It Takes Time To Heal
Ted Hibbard

It takes time to heal.

Build a bridge
from now to tomorrow.
Sink the piers
deep into the Earth.
Pour in concrete
day by day,
a little at a time,
and let it set.

It takes time to heal.

It may feel very awkward,
as if you're making empty promises,
as if you're simply spanning empty space.

But someday, somehow, somewhere,
you'll find yourself
upon a brand new shore,
glancing back at the bridge
which you alone have built.

It takes time to heal.

I continue to pray for you...


On Friday, November 30, 2007 at 11:49 AM
shawnee said:

Tams,
I can not get you off my mind. Your emotions are heart wrenching. Someone to talk to is often an excellent idea...give it a try for yourself, Dani, and Bryce. His heart is surely breaking for your grief and wants you to feel sweet peace. My friend "talks" with her late husband often and it also helps her to air her emotions.

You and Dani are so cherished...We continue to fast and pray for you.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own understanding...and he shall direct thy paths."

Love Gobs, Aunt Shawnee

On Friday, November 30, 2007 at 12:27 PM
Aunt Melanie said:

Sweet, dear Tams:

Oouchhh! The pain and loneliness is unbearable and YOU know it goes on and on. I wish I could make it go away but alas..."they" say it's a necessary part of the "process" but it hurts like hell. If only you could snuggle even just once more.
I love you so much, Tammy, and ache for your loss and emptiness. I hope that it will be a good thing for you to be back in your own home and feel love there.
Heck yes, get some help. I've been seeing shrinks off and on since all my 'stuff'. Sometimes it's just nice to talk to someoone who is unattached to all the family and has no vested biases. How can I help so far away? Come when you can and let Jim, Rob, Kathleen and I smother you both in hugs and tons of blankets!

Hang on, babe, hang on. Bunches of love,
Aunt Melanie

On Friday, November 30, 2007 at 1:11 PM
Anonymous said:

Tammy,
You are still in our hearts and prayers.
JL

On Friday, November 30, 2007 at 6:48 PM
Jeni said:

Tammy,
I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now. I cannot even begin to imagine the roller coaster of emotions you are dealing with. You mentioned something about getting counseling and I think that is such a great idea. About 15 years ago I was a lifeguard and had to do CPR on a little 2 year old child. That child ended up not surviving. That was probably one of the hardest things that I have had to deal with. Like yourself, I tried to keep myself busy but anytime I sat down, even for a second with nothing to do, the incident would play over and over again in my mind and all I could see was this little childs face in my mind. I wished that I could take their place, I was wishing that it could be me to leave this earth instead of them. I felt a whirlwind of emotions, sadness and alot of guilt. It took me awhile to admit that I needed some help. So many people were there for me but talking to friends and family only helped so much. I didn't truly begin to heal until I talked with someone who was trained to help heal those deep wounds. You have been through so much, more than I will ever understand, but I think that I may have felt then, a tiny bit of what you are feeling now. You took so much time and energy and focused that on Bryce trying to help heal him, now is your time, you need to heal yourself. I know that Bryce would want that for you. You will always be in my prayers.
Jeni

On Friday, November 30, 2007 at 7:17 PM
Rolayne Sellers said:

Tammy,
Grief is a very unusual thing. It comes to everyone in different ways. I remember just a total lack of energy to do anything. It often came in waves, not when I would be expecting it. And the smallest, unpredictable thing would set off the tears. Things will get better, but it does take time. This season of joy will feel so empty to you--how can everyone else be happy when Bryce is gone? How does life keep going on? But it does. And it will for you and Dani. And all your family and friends who care so much about you. I think it's very helpful to get counseling from someone who can regularly direct your energies into things that can help.
I love you lots and think about you often.
Rolayne

On Saturday, December 1, 2007 at 10:42 PM
jenjohnson said:

Tammy,

I have been following your story for several months now and I feel like I should finally talk.

You have a lot of character and strength. I appreciate you sharing your story as it has strengthened me and my relationship with my husband. You have helped me learn how to appreciate RIGHT NOW, as it can change so quickly.

I think about you often and you are in my prayers and heart. You have a lot of people that love and care for you. You are loved and I know Bryce is watching you and your daughter. I haven't met either of you but I can only think that he is so proud of you.

I hear you talk and I think your are SO strong. I can't believe your strength and honesty. It is OK to feel the way you are feeling. It is OK to hurt. It is OK to be bitter that people are moving on in life. You have every right to do whatever you need to find a peaceful place in your life, if that means therapy than do it. You have ever right to feel all the different emotions that you feel.

I think you are awesome and I appreciate your blog and all you things you have taught me on becoming a better person. Because of you I will definately be thinking twice before I go tanning again. Dani is very lucky to have such a strong, determined, compassionate and loving mother. Oh and I think you should be writing for the SL Tribune, you have a wonderful way of writing.

Take care of yourself and until next post!!

On Sunday, December 2, 2007 at 6:53 PM
Cathy said:

Tammy,
I just stumbled on your blog today and haven't been able to stop reading it. My heart goes out to you.
I once had a college professor who said, "I don't care if you think you don't have issues. Everyone should see a therapist. Even if it's just for "well-visits". You need a doctor for your soul, for your emotional self, just as much as you need a doctor for your physical self." I hope you are able to find someone who is able to help you through this time - and everything that follows this. I wish you the best and will continue to follow your story. Thank you for sharing - I can guarentee that the SPF level we use this summer will increase a great deal (as well as the number of applications).
Cathy

On Sunday, December 2, 2007 at 10:25 PM
Reed Cowan said:

T-
I hear and understand everything you are saying. You are still "in it" and you will be for quite some time. It's ok to feel everything you are feeling and to think everything you are thinking.
Keep blogging. Blog yourself back to life. Write it all out. Everything. I'm proud of you.
Reed

On Monday, December 3, 2007 at 5:17 PM
Michelle Terry said:

Tammy-
Here I sit at home on my computer bawling because I've read your last post. If you only knew how many people you don't know love, think, and pray for you. I check your blog every day. I look for your strength to help me get through what ever minor troubles I have. I appreciate my husband even more than I did before. I have learned to realize my problems are pretty irrelovent.
Tammy, I know it doesn't help in the middle of the night. But PLEASE know you are helping other people. And we want to help you. Stay strong. Enjoy Danni, and just work on taking one breath at a time.

On Monday, December 3, 2007 at 7:10 PM
Betsey said:

Tammy-

I have read through your story a dozen times. I am sorry that you have lost the love of your life to this awful disease. I lost my younger sister 2 1/2 years ago to the same beast. She left behind a 9 month old daughter and loving husband.

Sometimes the grief will take your breath away. It always feels like a hole in your heart. You will get through it. Keep your concentration on that baby of yours, and remind her every day of her Dad.

On Tuesday, December 4, 2007 at 1:24 PM
Brittani said:

Tammy-

I too like many other people have been viewing your blog for quite a while. First of all you are a very good writer. you should write a book, you have a way of making complete strangers feel as if they are sitting right beside you watching yout life. Secondly I am very sorry for your loss. I understand only slightly what you are going through. I lost my younger sister seven months ago, and since then I have lost two cousins who were brother and sister. I loved them so much. I am a mommy of two little girls and when I think of your little one losing her daddy it breaks my heart. My husband and I are friends with Garrett and Whitney Davis. We saw thenm a while back and they were wearing bracelets for your husband. Ever since then we have followed your story. I have no advice for you but would just like to say that I am very sorry for what you have gone through, and that we will continue to pray for you and your cute baby girl. I hope that you will receive the comfort that you are seeking sooner than later. Bryce is lucky to have someone to love him as much as you do. Never give up.

On Tuesday, December 4, 2007 at 4:14 PM
Karen Wight said:

Dear Tammy. I was just catching up on your blog and I am so touched by it. I am sure that no one knows of the personal struggles in your private battle. We all have a public face. You do very well out in the world, but I think all of us know that there is deep suffering in private. I wish there was some way to help carry the load, but this has to be done from the inside. I am humbled by your strength and courage. You are a wonder. This will all get better with time. Time is a blessing from a loving Heavenly Father. It helps ease the sharpness of the grief in to a bearable sorrow. Bryce is near. I know this to be true. But, a big part of this life's challenge is doing a lot of it by faith. We do not very often get trumpets and visions. That's just not how it works. But, keep the faith and know that there are so many people around you that love you and Dani and are praying for your peace and strength. Love ya. Karen P.S. your dad would kill me for even mentioning it, but puppies are nice.

On Tuesday, December 4, 2007 at 7:08 PM
Carrie said:

Tammy - I check in here and think of you and pray for you daily. You are a beautiful soul. Your honesty during this struggle has touched me deeply.


I'm not sure if you've been to my dear friends Brendan and Julie's blog lately (www.lyonsfamily.org), but Julie passed away a little over a week ago. It still doesn't seem real, and I miss her every day. We have been there for Brendan every step of the way, but yet I know that I still cannot fathom what he is going through.

Please keep him and the kids in your thoughts and prayers, as I know you can relate to him as very few of us can.

With much love and admiration,
Carrie

On Tuesday, December 4, 2007 at 11:28 PM
Jessi said:

I think about you daily.

I wish I could just wish him back to you, even for just a quick moment.

I wish I knew what to say.

You are in my thoughts.

((HUGS))
Jessi

On Thursday, December 6, 2007 at 12:34 AM
Ali Anderson said:

Tammy,
I recently came across your website, and I feel a connection to you. On Nov.13,2007 I lost my husband to metastatic colon cancer. Cody was 33, we have two beautiful daughters, Liberty 5 and Whitlee 3. Cody was diagnosed in Aug. of 2005. For over two years Cody fought a very valiant battle. As I read how your are feeling and everything you felt as you went through this trial in your life, I can relate. I also have had a lot of the same feelings. I am lost without him I miss him so much, I feel so alone as life goes on for everyone around me. How can life go on for me without Cody, "this can't be real" Is this my life. I hope to be of support to you, my e-mail is aliandkids1@hotmail.com. I have felt better reading your story, it has helped me to know someone else is going through a lot of the same emotions and feelings. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Dani. Let me know what I can do to help. I hope to get to chat with you sometime.

Sincerely,
Ali Anderson

On Thursday, December 6, 2007 at 6:31 PM
Suzan said:

Tammie,

I have been thinking about you the lst few days and wanted to know how you are doing? I know you are goingthough a hard time right now, know that I am here if you need me.

Suzan

On Friday, December 7, 2007 at 1:20 PM
Jenn said:

This is my first time leaving you a comment. Although I have read many of your posts I honestly don't know what to say. But I was reciently at a friends home who lost her husband a few years back and on her coffee table was a book she had put together for her little girl. Who was just five months old when her daddy dies. My friend had people in her life write a letter about her husband for her little girl to have some day to get to know him. I've heard of other people that have done this also. And maybe collecting stories for a book for your little girl would do two really good things for you. Reading about him through other peoples eyes would bring a smile to your face and it would be a good memory for your little girl to have. And don't worry about feeling sad--- feel sad as long as you need!

On Saturday, December 8, 2007 at 8:27 AM
Cassie said:

Tammy,

It was soooo good seeing you this week and being able to give you a big hug!! I wish we could have spent more time together and Jeff felt a little bummed out that he couldn't talk to you more either. Wait too short of a trip :) Hopefully we can see each other again soon. You are such a strong woman and I admire you so much. You know we are always here for you and Dani. Hang in there girl! We love you!

On Saturday, December 8, 2007 at 10:19 PM
matchbox mom said:

You are such an inspiration. Thank you for keeping a blog. I live here in Utah too...got married in SLC temple also.

Your story is amazing. I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine. If I could ever do anything for ya I would.

Tami

On Monday, December 10, 2007 at 5:00 PM
Ashley said:

Hi Tammy, you don't know who I am but I have been touched by your blog. I spent all morning reading it, and it really opened my eyes and helped me to appreciate all my blessings. I want you to know I am praying for you. If it gives you any comfort, I have decided to go to the doctor and get my moles checked, and I'm going to try and bring my husband along too. You have educated me greatly on the dangers of the sun, and I am so grateful to you for informing people. I knew the sun could be dangerous, but I never really knew the effects until now. I have a baby girl and I don't want her to be without parents if I can help it.
I lost my father 8 years ago from a heart attack. It is hard but through time, and with the help of the gospel and loving people, I could start to see how heavenly Father was trying to mold my life. That experience brought so many good things into my life that otherwise would not have been there. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time and things will get better.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It will probably save many lives, including mine.

On Tuesday, December 11, 2007 at 7:38 PM
Barbara Stevens, (Aunt) said:

Hi Tammy,
It was so good to finally be able to talk to you. You are such a sweetheart and I want you to know that my prayers are and always have been with you. Especially at Christmastime. I know I told you this on the phone last night but I wanted to share it with all the other bloggers. My grand daughter, Taylor Jepson, who is 5, already knows the truth about Santa. Why? Because at a family Christmas party she attended in Idaho, Santa came, and he was wearing a "We're Killing Cancer" bracelet. The only person she has seen wearing one of those is her Great-uncle Carl. I think Bryce would have had a chuckle over that. Tammy, I love you. You take all the time you need to mourn the loss of your sweetheart. There is no time limit on grief. You have done your best to make his life meaningful, so be sure to look after Tammy and Dani now. Love, your Aunt Barbara

On Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 5:42 AM
Jer said:

I'll add my thoughts and experiences to everyone else's wonderful and supportive comments to you.

I've felt, though to a somewhat lesser degree, the disconnect from all you friends and loved ones I think you're describing. They seem to continue on in life and you feel stuck, trapped in a particular moment and you just can't get past it. At times you desperately wish you could move on and other times you just want to wrap yourself in a blanket and curl up and wake up from this nightmare.

It's of small consolation but it's normal to feel this way, expected. I kept asking myself why I didn't just move on with my life, it was frustrating. When someone pointed out to me it was ok to feel the way I was feeling I could stop being so hard on myself and concentrate on other aspects of healing.

I would suggest counseling as well. There's nothing like an outside perspective to help you see things you may have previously missed.

I'm so sorry my friend, I can't imagine how acute your pain is. Know I'm thinking about you and my heart is with you.

Jer

On Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 7:31 PM
Anonymous said:

Hang in there! We all love you.

On Thursday, December 20, 2007 at 5:52 PM
Lisa said:

I think you should get some counseling to get through this "transition". You need to be reaching out now even though all you want to do is withdraw and be alone. A therapist can help you figure out what will help you the most through the tranistion.

Leave a comment