Deja Vu

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The Wedding was today at noon. It was held at the same place Bryce and I were married almost five years ago. I tried to hold it together, but all was a blur as I tried to "feel" Bryce's presence. Were you there, Brycey? I'm happy for Brady and Ashley, and I hope Bryce was able to witness their marriage. I had a few trinkets of Bryce's smuggled down my shirt, as grief has channeled insanity. The last thing I want is for the happy couple to be saddened by my sporatic loss of composure. What a tough, tough day.

 Dani is power napping right now, and we'll head to the reception shortly. It will be sweet--it's at the Fine Arts Museum, where there's currently an Andy Warhol exhibit. Mmmm, my muse...

Hold your head high, kiddo.

23 Comments So Far!

On Friday, November 16, 2007 at 6:04 PM
Christine Uporsky said:

Hey Tam,
Did you take the golf ball and chapstick??? My phone is charged and right next to me at my desk where I have been working all day and thinking about you!!! I looked at my clock and figured what time it was there and what you where probably doing...my prayers where with you and I sure hope you felt them. I know Bryce was right there with you my friend!!!! Call me I have chocolate we can eat tonight!!!
Sending bucketloads of HUGS my friend!!!!
Love your friend,
Christine

On Friday, November 16, 2007 at 6:16 PM
Reed Cowan said:

Tammy,
I'm here. I can feel your pain. You will rise through the minutes and hours and days to once again feel Bryce. You will. Right now your pain and your grief and your shock is like a thick layer all about your heart and soul and it's keeping you from feeling what is infinite and real. But that layer over your heart and mind and understanding will thin, and you WILL feel Bryce in your days and in your nights.
In the interim, please believe me. He is right next to you. He is right by you. He can hear you breathing as you sleep and he watches your chest rise and fall all through the night. He moves about your house. He responds to the things you say and when you cry he rushes to your side. He believes in you. He marvels at you. He has changed...but he has not departed. This is only a change in how you experience him. It is not the end of how you experience him. Soon your heart and soul will adjust to this change and you will embrace the new way of knowing your husband.
He's alive Tammy. He's real. He's just changed.
I love you friend.

Reed

On Friday, November 16, 2007 at 9:37 PM
Emilie said:

Hey Tammy...

I know today must have been really hard. You know the first year "without" is the hardest. First birthday's, t-day, Christmas etc. I am speaking from experience. My husband of 3 years ended up commiting suicide while I was 4 months pregnant. Yes, it was SUPER tragic. I have to admit after the first year it seemed to get better. (if you can call it that) I am not saying we are in the same situation but it took me awhile to feel my sweet Jonathan around me. I kept saying "Where are you? or Are you ok?" He suffered from Bipolar for many years. It just finally got the best of him. Ok... I am not trying to make this about me. Just wanted to say that eventually one day they appear. In your dreams, on the radio through an old song you both loved. I tell you the most random songs come on my radio sometimes and I know that he is near laughing with me. My sweet girl is now 2 years old. We are happy and doing well. She looks so much like him. I love that!

On Saturday, November 17, 2007 at 12:11 AM
Steff said:

You're sure good at looking and acting awesome when you feel so sad and low. I'm sure today was really hard. We thought about you alot. You're doing so great Tammy. Hopefully you can keep it up, and if you feel like you need to just fall apart sometimes, just allow all of us to take care of you...that's what we're here for. You're awesome. We love you so so much and pray for you and Dani constantly. Please allow us to help wherever we can. "Circles around the camera...and stOp" Night Night

On Saturday, November 17, 2007 at 1:59 AM
Shazz Pratten said:

My prayers are with you and your dear sweet Dani, Tammy. Some days it may be all you can do to put one foot in front of another and "go through the motions" of life and living.

I am sure that Bryce is with you as you take these footsteps through life - guiding you, giving you the strength to take the next step. And the next one. And the next.

I don't know you and Dani, nor did I know Bryce but I keep you all my prayers.

Shazz xo
(from Australia)

On Saturday, November 17, 2007 at 7:07 AM
Brendan said:

Tammy,

We are still battling "mela-suck-noma" like he**. Know that we have taken over Bryce's fight as well as our good friend Gerald who passed away a week ago Monday.

I would like to send you a personalized shirt if you can contact me via my email address to provide me a mailing address. Hang in there Girl... From my perspective you are doing great.

Love from Texas and the front lines of the melanoma cancer battlefield.

-Brendan
(Houston, TX)

On Saturday, November 17, 2007 at 11:37 AM
Nathan Sellers said:

Tammy,
You are a trooper. I want you to know that the love that is felt for you in this home is tangible. I also want you to know that I have felt Bryce's influence as we have created and worked on the 100 Days of Love. He is an active participant in the 100 days... he won't stop... and neither will you. That is why we love you so much. You are amazing.

Nathan

On Saturday, November 17, 2007 at 12:01 PM
Dave said:

Tammy-

I've been unable to write for a while, because I have been soooo busy since I got home. I just wanted you to know that I am thnking about you, and I am pulling for you.

It was great to see you and the family last week. I finally got to meet Dani! What a cutie! She LOVES food just like her daddy! You weren't kidding! Where does it all go??? Nevermind... I think I know. When Carrie and I have kids I think we will *really* know too.

It was also a pleasure meeting more of the people in your gang. Everyone I met were so nice, friendly, and obviously care about you and Dani very much.

It's ok to get emotional when you feel the need to. You should be the last person to feel quilty if you need to have a good cry for a little while. If it helps you get a second wind and continue on, then I don't see anything wrong with it.

Love you!

-Dave

On Saturday, November 17, 2007 at 6:06 PM
Brenda O. said:

Hey Tammy,
I had a thought today...when is that wedding! I was so glad to see you had posted something. I love it when I have random thoughts about people and find out that my thought was right! You will feel him, but when you least expect it. That has been my experience with loved ones on the other side. I was asked to tell a group of young women about you and Bryce's story. The theme is finding optimism in trials. So, I have been thinking about you and Bryce all day in preparing for my little talk tomorrow. Bryce's example is so powerful and will continue to touch the hearts of many.
hang in there.
with much love,
brenda

On Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 1:19 AM
Adrianne Jenkins said:

Hey Tammy-

I just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking about you, Dani, and Bryce everyday. I'm sorry this was such a tough day for you. You may not feel this way, but your strength shines through in your comments, even as you write about these unfathomably hard days.

I absolutely love what Reed said and hope you will be able to feel Bryce near you and be comforted by his presence.

Love you, Adrianne

On Monday, November 19, 2007 at 7:41 AM
Kathleen said:

Hey there...glad to hear you got away, even if not from your thoughts. I know how hard it is to be alone during the holidays, when everyone around you has their sweetheart by their side. I hope you and Dani enjoy the new memories you are making and that you will have peace this Thanksgiving. Girl...you deserve a peace bubble! Love ya Tammy and still think of you ALL the time. XOXO
Love,
Kathleen

On Monday, November 19, 2007 at 10:23 AM
Deedra Hansen Lambert said:

Tammy,
I just wanted to say that because of you and your skin cancer awareness efforts, three people (me, my husband and my brother-in-law) went to the dermatologist for our first-ever skin cancer screenings. When my brother-in-law balked at going to the appointment my sister made for him she told him, "Look, you are a mole-y person!! Every mole on your body needs to be checked!" He said, "OK! OK! Gosh, I can't believe you called me mole-y!" Just for the record, he does have a lot of moles. Good news is we all checked out fine, but none of us would have gone had it not been for you and Bryce telling us all how important screenings are. Everyone at the Coalition sends you their best and misses you terribly. We all hope you're hanging in there...I finally figured out what you meant by still being "pasty"...no tan I take it? Take care~

On Monday, November 19, 2007 at 2:18 PM
Ashlan said:

Speaking of deja vu. Last week at work a girl was telling me a simalar situation as you and Bryce, except they are about 2 years older than you two, and have 4 kids. She was telling me about his melanoma (ocular). He was diagnosed over five years ago and six weeks ago was rediagnosed, and it was not good. The whole time she is telling me this I can't stop thinking of you Tammy. Well when she came to work today she told us that her friends husband passed away on Saturday. It broke my heart to hear how horrid this disease is, that it is more wide spread than we know.
Tammy you are such an incredible person, you are so strong its amazing to me. I hope you know that sometimes its okay to not be strong and let others help you. I hope the transition of going back to work will be easy on you. We love you and pray for you and Danika daily.

On Monday, November 19, 2007 at 2:25 PM
Sally Mc said:

Sweet Tammy... I'm not even sure what to say or why I'm posting right now except that you've touched my heart again. It was very brave of you to attend the wedding and I'm sure that it was a very difficult day. But, again, even though you're hurting, you've shown strength and Bryce is very proud of you. The desire to want to feel him, hear him, and see him is so very real. What is he doing right now? What is his task in this new life? Are there brownies in heaven? We want to know and that's so normal. We are always told that they are near, but sometimes we get impatient and it's not enough. I believe that we will be able to have some of these experiences in the Lord's due time and way. Perhaps we're not ready for that kind of experience yet. He is wise and knows when we will be. Maybe it would make it harder to feel the touch of their hands. I don't know the answers, but I do know we must be patient and know that God knows our heartaches and our desires and will take care of us if we let him. I'm looking forward to a chat. Try to have a wonderful Thanksgiving and let's get together soon ok? I think of you always... Give Dani a squeeze.
Love you, Sally

On Monday, November 19, 2007 at 8:19 PM
Michelle Daly said:

Tammy-

I have read your blog religiously since seeing the obituary in the newspaper. I knew both of you at Bountiful High. When I looked at the picture of all the boys at your house I knew most of them and was taken down memory lane. I have spent hours reading to catch up on all that has happened to you during these years. We are way too young to be going through these intense trials. Your inspiration to the world is so admirable. I pray for you and your little family. Keep strong and thank your for allowing us into a very private time of your life. I gave blood on Saturday and thought of you all the whole time. Sincerely- Michelle (Yoho) Daly

On Monday, November 19, 2007 at 9:31 PM
aunt susan said:

Tammy,
During the wedding ceremony on Friday I was praying for you. I knew you were hoping to feel Bryce near. This whole celebration for Brady and Ashley is more like cruel and unusual punishment for you I'm sure. Every coming day will be so hard. "The holidays" will be so tough, we know, but we need you and Dani near. Family is what matters! Now more than ever! You are amazing. Strong and beautiful although your heart must be braking with every family "thing." Let us
help in any way we can. You and Dani looked so beautiful Friday night.
You are in our prayers, always.
Much love! K&S

On Monday, November 19, 2007 at 10:34 PM
Anonymous said:

Tammy-
I have been following your story for some time now and I can't tell you how my heart aches for you and Dani. I was listening to a talk by Elder Steven E. Snow on service, he was speaking of his mother dying from cancer and how she wished she would have served more through out her life. Later he goes on and says this..."God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another mortal that he meets our needs. None of us should become so busy in our formal Church assignments that there is no room left for quiet Christian service to our neighbors." I know your faith will bring you through this hard time!

On Monday, November 19, 2007 at 11:40 PM
Susie said:

Tammy and Dani,
I am glad to hear that you were able to get away for a minute...of what seems like an eternity for you. I have missed seeing you and have missed our late night chats! Just know that I LOVE YOU and know that your heartache will subside in time.
xoxo,
Susie

On Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 9:07 PM
jeremiah and jossy said:

we are hanging in there with ya t.

On Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 10:03 PM
Liz said:

Tammy,
You know I feel your pain. There are those moments when all you want to do is scream and cry, and there are other moments when you feel fine. For me, the difference between episdoes of sheer sadness and episodes of feeling at peace has been so drastic that I feel like I may be crazy. The other day, I ran a half marathon and had a major crying fit mid-race as I ran past Mike's favorite diner (a diner of all places!)

I just keep thinking to myself that no matter where Mike is right now, even if there is no after-life, no heaven, etc., and even if life ends literally at death, he is still better now than he was for the last three months. I take solace in knowing Mike is now free. Bryce is free too. And, I know Mike is here with me. Bryce is there with you too.

You are doing as well as you can. One day at a time. That's all we can do.

P.S. A friend sent me a book called "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can." It is for young widows like us. I started reading it, and it seems good. It may be a bit too early for me since I am not even at two weeks yet, and it is probably too early for you too, but I think it will be a helpful book when we are both ready. I would love to send it to you. Let me know if interested.

Hang in there.
Love,
Liz (Wife of Angel Mike)

On Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 2:15 AM
Rhonda said:

Ah Tammy, I'm sending you all the love I can. I hope it softens some of the raw anguish that hurts so horribly At times like this it tests our very being. Sometimes it's just the next breath, or minute that helps with the next breath or minute. Be very gentle and loving with yourself. You have been through so much and even though you are strong and can fight the best fight, this is a fragile time. It is so OK for you to just take care of you and Dani and also allow others take care of you and your daughter. It's OK to want people around you or to not want people around you. It's OK to cry or not to cry. Give yourself all the comfort you can, you are healing and it starts with mourning and it's not easy, it's one of the hardest things to get through. But as Nate said in his beautiful poignant way, "You'll be able to get through this trial and you will be fine". I have all the faith in the world in you Tammy. Your family and friends here and around the world love you. You have wedged into all of our hearts. It's because of who you are, how real, caring, kind, loving, fun and funny, how open and blatantly honest. Your gift of writing has let folks inside your life and they know you. And to know you is to love you. Good thoughts and prayers are being sent to you and for you. Love you. -Rhonda

On Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 11:48 AM
Sally B. said:

Dearest Tammy,
How we pray for your being comforted and guided. I'm proud of you for having the strength to go to the wedding even in your sorrow. We love you.

Here's another quote from my document that gives me hope when things are hard. It's from President James E. Faust:

"Be of good cheer. The Man of Galilee, the Creator, the Son of the Living God will not forget nor forsake those whose hearts are drawn to Him. I testify that the Man who suffered for mankind, who committed His life to healing the sick and comforting the disconsolate, is mindful of your sufferings, doubts, and heartaches."

You're being prayed for in Salt Lake and Los Angeles and here, always here in our hearts and in our home.
Love,
Marian and Sally

On Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 12:22 PM
Mindi said:

Tami and Dani - I was just thinking about you two today even though we haven't met. I know tomorrow will be a hard day for you, as will all the holidays this year. I don't think it ever gets better, you just get used to not having your loved one around. My grandmother, who basically raised me, died on December 10, 1991, and I still have a hard time around the holidays. To this day I can't stand the sight of a poinsettia, but I know that she's just waiting for me to come to her someday and that gives me a lot of peace - knowing that I'll be with my family again. God bless you both!

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