Tonight (this morning) I sit in my brother-in-law’s old bedroom, which is next door to Bryce’s old room. Dani is asleep in there. I am haunted by memories, as each of my senses takes a pummeling. I hear the cuckoo clock every half hour and the dogs lapping from their bowl, which intensifies all other senses as the night plods on. Sleep is not happening tonight--no way. I remember coming to this house in the middle of the night after my shift at the tissue bank in 2002. Bryce would wrap me up in a dozen blankets and we’d watch TV until he fell asleep, then I’d go home. It still smells like Bryce up here, and it’s still FREEZING. (Where is Brady’s stocking cap??)

I have been trying to distract myself by surfing the internet, which means checking up on dozens of blogs. It’s interesting--almost surprising--that life goes on. Somebody’s kid just turned 4. Trick-or-treat stories. Wedding pictures. Christmas shopping. Everybody’s kid is cutting their own hair off. New babies, Disneyland, and a camping trip. I’m stalled—in suspended animation. Blogging has become increasingly difficult--when written, my thoughts become egocentric, self-congratulatory narcissism. (I guess that’s the definition of a blog?) How can you go camping when Bryce just died? How are babies born, recitals danced, and horses ridden? Don’t they know what just happened?? (Should I be attempting this "transition" without some form of therapy? Any suggestions?)

Come back, Bryce. This can’t be real. This cannot be my life.

P.S. Recently, someone who knows better (who, incidentally, has claimed to have followed/cared about Bryce's story) acted surprised when I admonished "them" to stay out of the tanning bed. "Are they sure his cancer was due to sun exposure?" Come on. STOP KILLING YOURSELF. Death is not pretty, even if you have a tan. KNOCK IT OFF.

Unbelievable.

We pinkie swore many years ago that whomever passed first would “come back” and let the other know all is well. Just a nudge, a wink, or even a whisper. It was something we mentioned several times, mainly in jest. Although I am a logical, somewhat skeptical person (OK, more than somewhat skeptical), I have expected to see, hear or feel Bryce’s presence. So far...nothing. If I didn’t feel so numb, I’d feel abandoned. I understand I’m asking for miracles, but some people get them, don’t they? I have been with Bryce almost every day for nearly six years, and it just feels wrong that he isn’t with me. Perhaps this is a stage in my own grief I must endure, and it too will pass.

Grief is totally unpredictable. One moment is fine, although I’m aware of Bryce’s absence. Out of the blue, a tidal wave of loneliness, sadness and despair washes over me, fills me, drowns me. I can’t fathom this new reality. At least it’s a feeling, though. Feelings are always better than the black hole that sucks every emotion away, leaving me empty and listless—a human shell. Keeping these feelings at bay has become a full time job. If my body is moving and my mind is occupied, there isn’t much room for sorrow. When I slow down, the wave threatens to overtake me again. How long can I outrun it? Family and friends have pulled me out of the murky depths by taking me out, visiting, and otherwise distracting me. My best friend flew out from Connecticut for a few days, which was a welcome reprieve. It was nice to feel alive, albeit briefly. We kept fairly busy, but in those still, dark moments, the sorrow found me. I cannot hide from it.

As I go through all these emotions, one thing buoys my spirit. I KNOW there is something more. I cannot deny it, because Bryce let me know. It is a moment I have told few people about, yet I alluded to it in a previous post. I felt him go. I wasn’t looking for it, waiting for it, or expecting it. After he drew his last breath, we all watched him. We knew. I reached down and removed his breathing mask. I turned around to look at my dad, when suddenly my body was overcome by a sensation I find hard to describe. It was like a low voltage zap that lasted four or five seconds. I couldn’t breathe, see straight or stand upright. I was lifted, warmed, enveloped—it was euphoric. I remember saying, “I’ve got him.” I did. As quickly as it came over me, it left. It was his gift to me; a gift I cannot deny nor logic away. It was the most horrible and wonderful thing to ever have happened. I would give anything to feel that again. Perhaps I should have kept this moment locked in my most sacred vault, but my hope is sharing this moment will bring somebody peace.

Such conflicting emotions. Is he with me, or am I alone? Would I experience that same overwhelming feeling if he were here, or must I rely on hope and faith? The ever-present battle between my mind and my heart continues. I hope my heart wins. It’s the happier ending.

The Wedding was today at noon. It was held at the same place Bryce and I were married almost five years ago. I tried to hold it together, but all was a blur as I tried to "feel" Bryce's presence. Were you there, Brycey? I'm happy for Brady and Ashley, and I hope Bryce was able to witness their marriage. I had a few trinkets of Bryce's smuggled down my shirt, as grief has channeled insanity. The last thing I want is for the happy couple to be saddened by my sporatic loss of composure. What a tough, tough day.

 Dani is power napping right now, and we'll head to the reception shortly. It will be sweet--it's at the Fine Arts Museum, where there's currently an Andy Warhol exhibit. Mmmm, my muse...

Hold your head high, kiddo.

My parents took me, Dani, Holly and Steff on a short vacation over the weekend. Our final destination was someplace in Mexico. It was HOT, sunny, and gorgeous. Dani and I were SPF 55 the whole time. We returned home late last night. I missed Bryce terribly and I still can't believe this nightmare is mine. I will write something substantial as soon as I get my head screwed back on. Maybe tonight? Don't desert me--check this regularly! Remember the www.100daysoflove.blogspot.com challenge! Nathan and Suzie are working hard on it, so read it and send them some good comments! Let's keep Bryce's memory alive and rolling!

To the girls at Dr. Isotope's office-THANK YOU for the adorable gift!! We miss you guys, and I will bring Dani around in her new outfit to see your new digs!

The following comment was posted to the blog by my friend Barbara. She has such a great idea! Let's all get in the spirit of helping others, especially in large numbers! I think it would be great to organize a "gang" (I'll work on the graffiti ;) that regularly descends en masse to serve others. Bryce, our social butterfly, would have been so excited! True service is inconveniencing yourself to help your fellow (wo)man. Platelet donation is just one thing we can do, and I would like to start a regular (monthly? bi-monthly?) group of HEROES who believe in the goodness of people and are willing to act selflessly and honorably. Let's do it for Bryce! Post your ideas, then we'll make a schedule. In the spirit of Bryce, it will be FUN also! (T-shirt ideas and tag lines, anyone?) This is one way I can turn pain in to purpose, and I'd like everybody's support. Post your commitments and ideas below! This doesn't have to be specific to Utah--let's spread Bryce's influence everywhere! Also, don't forget to take the daily challenge at www.100daysoflove.blogspot.com!

As for the platelet party, how does Saturday, November 24th sound? Barbara, will you check with the U?

WE'RE KILLING CANCER!!!

I love you, Brycey.

Okay Everyone,

Here is the "scoop" on platelet donation.... Thanks, Katie, Brendan, and Anonymous for the information.  I just got off the phone with a woman named Candy at this link:

http://www.utahblood.org/where/Where.htm

I asked about platelet donation and found out more information.  She mentioned that even though donors can donate frequently (minimum of 5 days between donations) there is a limit of 24 times per year.  So, it is best to donate on a regular basis of 2 times per month or every two and a half weeks if you wanted to do this on a regular basis.

I am thinking of getting a group together who would like to donate platelets.  There are two beds in the Murray location and five beds in the U of U location.  The Murray location could accomodate about 6-8 patients on a Saturday and the U of U location could accomodate about 20+.  If we chose a day, we can schedule a couple weeks in advance and have the appointments set.  

My thinking is that I would like to set up a platelet donation for a Saturday coming up and then have a blood drive a few weeks later.  I may have a couple interested parties in my family who would like to plan it if nobody else does. 

So, PLEASE write in and tell me if you're interested in setting up some group appts.  Otherwise, I will just schedule it for myself.  Saturdays work best for me because I teach during the week.  But some of you may want to schedule a day during the weekday.  Maybe we could have two separate days set up. 

Candy told me that on any given day, they need 20-30 regular platelet donations to help the patients we have on the Wasatch front.  And they only last 5 days.  Babies need them, cancer patients, burn patients, etc.   Chemotherapy patients lose their platelets so they are vital to their survival.

When Candy heard that a group might be interested in setting up a donation, she was speechless at first.  She said that you were remarkable people to want to do that.  I told her about Bryce and the blood drive (in 1 minute or less) and she was so grateful that a group of people would want to do this.

If you don't want to do it, please talk to your families and see if there is someone in your family who would want to.  And then get back to me (or this post) and let us know how to proceed.

It takes about 2 hours for a platelet donation.  They have video/dvd machines so you can pre select a movie you'd like to watch.  It would be just like going to the movie minus the popcorn....(maybe we could bring popcorn!)

This is the time of year when we give thanks for what we have during Thanksgiving and honor the birth of Christ at Christmas and/or share a spirit of giving during this time.  What a great opportunity to give the gift of life and share not only of our spirit, but our very blood with others who need it for their survival. We won't know their names or their stories, but if we did, we would want to help as much as we did when we knew about Bryce's condition.  And some day, we may be the ones who are the recipients to this gift of life. 

Someone told me once that during this holiday season that people were too busy to help others.  Let's not get confused about priorities during our busy family holiday schedules. Let's find a time and JUST DO IT!

If you want to contact me via email instead of the post, my email is teachersfocus@aol.com

That way you can leave contact information necessary to making the appointments.

Barbara

Where do I start? Bryce died last Thursday and I haven’t stopped long enough to feel the loss. He’s just gone. I keep expecting him to call, “Baby, where are you?” I honestly expected to feel him, but I just feel numb. Dani is happy, giggly and starting to crawl. She has been surrounded by people who are happy to play with her, so she’s in high spirits. Thank goodness.

The day after Bryce passed, we met with the mortuary to arrange the funeral program, select a casket, and choose the flowers. Definitely not something I expected to do for my Bryce, and especially not at 32. I selected a brushed stainless steel casket with pinstriping, which Bryce would have chosen for himself. The rest of the day (as well as the past week) was a fog.

During this time, many friends descended upon my home to organize, do laundry, put some of Bryce’s things away, and condense ALL of my furniture and belongings into two rooms. New carpet and paint will be put in sometime next week, as Bryce’s illness took a huge toll on our flooring. Thank you to everyone who sacrificed part of their weekend to serve.

Throngs of relatives came to pay their respects, support our families, and show their love. I have a large extended family located all over the country, and I think most of them came. Another family, my AlloSource family, showed up en masse from near and far to support me as well. That outpouring of love has been humbling, invigorating and definitely added some cheer to this horrific week. I wish I could have spent time with each of you, but my thoughts and energy have been muddled and spread too thin. Go figure.

I have decided that staying busy is the only way to go. I have been very busy, taking care of funeral arrangements, mothering Dani, visiting with relatives and friends, writing the obituary, and running errands. Dani and I attended church on Sunday, which was therapeutic due to so many friends surrounding us with love and support. Dani scored a lollipop (huge mess), I was able to see my beloved Young Women (my Sunday School class that I teach, FYI), and I received much-needed counsel from my friend, Bishop Beattie. I can’t believe that at one time I thought church was pointless.

The viewing was nice—a lot of family and friends came to pay their respects. Bryce looked good, and I owe that to Barry, who cared about Bryce and lovingly took care of his body. I have always felt weird about viewings, but this was different. The ravages of disease that took such a toll on Bryce seemed to have been reversed. He looked peaceful and normal. The room was full of flowers—it took us a long time to read all the cards and admire the arrangements. Thank you to everybody who sent cards and flowers!

Bryce’s funeral was the most amazing experience. About 700 people showed up, leaving standing room only! My brothers Scott and Nic offered beautiful prayers, our dads Roger and Dan, and good friends Bob and John delivered moving and eloquent talks, and about 40 members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir filled the large chapel with beautiful music. My Sunday School girls sang also, which turned into a sob-fest. I loved it. The funeral lasted two hours, and none of it was boring. I tried to check out the crowd, but it was hard to see who was there—as I said, I have been in a fog. As we followed the casket outside (I'm sure the pallbearers were glad Bryce lost all that weight--you guys must have one longer arm today ;) to the vehicles, Nic sped around the corner with a SWEET new Porsche in which to transport me to the cemetery. How he scored the use of that car for the day, I’ll never know. It was fitting, as Bryce was a Porsche fanatic. We like to think Bryce was in there with us, saying, “Come on—let’s see what this baby can do!” (Incidentally, we saw what that baby could do after the burial. That car rocks.) Bryce was buried on the hillside, close to his younger brother Brian. Brady dedicated the grave with a beautiful prayer. The weather was perfect, the flowers were beautiful, and many people honored Bryce’s fight by laying their “We’re Killing Cancer” wristbands on the casket. I also saw a few of the wristbands decorating several headstones around the cemetery. It made me sick to think Bryce was caged up in the casket and would be under the ground. I hated it. I have already been back twice (that was only two days ago!!!) to visit Bryce and make sure Halloween vandals didn’t mess with the burial site. Ohhhh…could you imagine…

There’s a brief update on the past week. As I have mentioned, my story is just beginning. I will keep up this website as long as people read it. I now have a different purpose, one which will require a lot of energy and guidance--that of a single mom, and cancer warrior. I’ll need all your support!

Remember to check out www.100daysoflove.blogspot.com and rise to the challenge!

WE’RE KILLING CANCER!!!!!!

I love you, Brycey.