Hospital Standard Time
How many times can I start a post with "Here I sit in the middle of the night, watching Bryce breathe and thanking God for each breath he takes", without everybody getting desensitized? This has become our life lately, but I'm honored and blessed to be the one helping him through these breaths. I'm not trying to be cheesy (mmmm....cheese...), but I'd do this every day for the rest of my life just to be with him. What an awesome, tough, strong, svelte (he has lost 50 lbs since this started) stud! Every day he’s here, he is once again beating the odds. I am a lucky girl to have Bryce, and I’m proud to be part of his butt-kicking team.
Bryce had an appointment this morning for a chest CT at LDS Hospital, and we’re still here. It’s tomorrow now. That was a LONG appointment. The CT found a partially collapsed lung, tumors in a rib and vertebrae, more tumors in his lungs, and his heart needing more radiation. His hematocrit was about 20 (that means his red blood cells are running low). We knew his blood count was down on Monday, but that oncologist decided it was too soon to transfuse him. He gave him a shot of Aranesp to increase the red blood cells, but apparently that takes a while to work. Dr. Isotope, whom we saw this morning, decided to give Bryce 3 units of blood because he was obviously in peril. I’m constantly amazed at the huge differences in treatment each doctor pursues. One doctor says one thing, another says the opposite.(Incidentally, Monday’s oncologist made me promise that he would be solely in charge of Bryce’s treatment from now on. Um, NO. Isotope and Voldemort seem to be the only docs who actually care about Bryce. Shall we be Team WaSP from now on? That stands for Isotope, Sellers, Voldemort. It’s also a wicked awesome hair band…) We checked into the hospital at 11 a.m. and they finally hooked up Bryce’s blood at 10 p.m. His PICC line was clogged so they started a peripheral IV 8 hours later. I didn’t think they could get any slower than last time. Dr. Voldemort came to visit several hours ago, and said the right lung is not collapsed—it is unable to inflate due to a tumor in the mediastinum which has messed with the phrenic nerve. As a result, the right side of his diaphragm is paralyzed. This nightmare keeps getting worse. Dr. V said, “nobody else would have fought for this long—he’s tough!”
Bryce’s parents have been with us all day, lending moral support. They have been so helpful and generous to us! My parents have been in Heber (about an hour away) for a 2-day meeting at which they were both participants. I think Dad had several speeches. I walked down the hall this afternoon and saw my mom standing at the nurses’ station, holding her bags and an armload of stuff from the meeting. She hitched a ride to the hospital in Salt Lake City after hearing about Bryce’s admission! She wanted to relieve Jenni of babysitting duties so they could all be with Bryce. Dani was at the fair with Jenni, Mac, Brady and Ashley (Bryce’s siblings and niece) for the evening, so Mom drove back to Heber. Dad still had some speeches to deliver, so he had to stay. My mom is the most selfless, compassionate, loving person I know. She is AWESOME.
Besides Bryce, another victim of this lurid ordeal is Dani. She just turned 8 months old, and has spent the past 2 months being passed around. We miss her SO much! Our families, being ever so helpful, have kept Dani at their homes for the past several nights so we didn't have to worry about her if something were to happen. I just want to hold her right now and kiss her chubby cheeks, and squeeze her chubby legs, and rock her to sleep singing, "There's a great big frog, sitting on a log; shhhh...he's fast asleep.." (our favorite lullaby). I miss her little baby teeth, her tiny baby hands that grab at my face, and her little baby coos, “daa-daa”, and growls—yes, she growls like a bear! Grrrrrr…. J
Hopefully things will start looking up. I’m praying and wishing and hoping the TKI drugs work. We don’t know yet. Hopefully that’s not a bad sign. It’s Saturday morning—whoa, it’s after 6!!—and I want to get him home, back in our bed, and bring our daughter into bed with us to watch some cartoons. I wrote this post off and on all night, because the nurses were in here at least every ½ hour. I’m learning a lot about the human body and sleep. It’s totally unnecessary! His IV started squirting donor blood all over his bed in the middle of the night, so they tried his PICC line again and it worked. He has been breathing all night, his color is getting a little better, he’s getting his third bag of blood, and it’s almost time for me to give him his chemo.
My friend Becky is coming over today to make a plaster cast of Bryce’s hand holding my hand and Dani’s hand. What a beautiful gift. I’ll post a picture.
Please let today be a good day.
25 Comments So Far!
My heart is breaking for you and your family. Your husband is so brave and so tough! Keep fighting the fight until there is no fight left! You all are in my prayers! Today will be a good day!!!
We're sorry that you had to spend another night in the hospital and that it took so long to get everything done. :( We will hope and prayer that you two can get home in time for Saturday morning cartoons, or at least to snuggle up together as a family on the bed and watch Ghostbusters. What amazing people you are!!!! Keep fighting. WE LOVE YOU GUYS!
As a famous narrator says weekly "May peace be with you this day, and always." (...i know...you heard his voice when you read it...tee,hee)
Tammy,
I wish I could be with you. Hold on to every moment and tell Bryce, Keith and I send our love, support and prayers. We not be with you both in person but please know we are there in spirit. I am sending a hug long distance.
Suzan (wife of Keith - Stage IV)
http://www.kschallam.com
I'm not too sure if WaSP really means much. However, changing the acronym just a little fixes the problem: SaVIor. We love you.
Dear Tammy,
I am so sorry for all that you, Bryce and your baby are going through. I am glad you have a lot of family support but this has got to be almost unbearable at times. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care, Carver (MPIP)
Tammy & Bryce,
Happy Saturday. Wish we were all together to have a fall dinner in the city...wander around as the lights come up...the sun goes down...leaves begin to change color. Lots of laughing and reminiscing. Talking about our babies...Catching a movie and laughing until we drop eachother off and bid farewell. Picture in your mind good times together with friends and family. Where is happy? Where is good? Where is true? Paint that picture in your mind and go there from time to time. Just live THAT picture when the picture just beyond your eyelids is too unpleasant. Don't be afraid to dream, as dreams come true. That date night is real. It's already happening. It's just awaiting our arrival to it. I'm planning on it.
I love you.
Reed
Dearest Tammy and Bryce,
Know that we love you and are praying for you. Give Dani a kiss from us.
Love, Grandpa and Grandma N.
Tammy and Bryce,
I refuse to give up hope!!! I read this post and feel sad but yet think Bryce is tough and he will get through this I know he will. You can do this Bryce All things through Christ. Put that coin wherever you think you need it the most!!!
I love you both Tammy please call if you need me. I will be putting Bryce's name on the prayer list at church tomorrow!!
Peace and Love,
Christine Uporsky
Tammy-
I've been sitting here for 15 minutes writing and rewriting a comment. What I really want to let you know is that I'm thinking about you guys right now at 12:00 AM. I was thinking about our visit at the hospital and how just a couple of hours with you touched my life so much. I find it so easy to talk with you and the few times I've watched you talk with others, I think you put them at ease more than they put you at ease. Thanks for letting us share this with you via your website. By the way, I wouldn't be surprised if the noises you hear outside your home are Beth P. chanting "GO!FIGHT!WIN!" or singing the hymn "Scatter Sunshine." I think she's been known to do that. We love you and are cheering for you guys too.
Kristi Lee
Tammy,
Thanks for taking the time to post again. Bryce is a fighter and he is lucky to have you with him every step of the way.
I remember staying up with my Rebecca when she was just 2 months old. Among many other problems, her windpipe was the size of a pencil tip and I had to listen to her breathing 24/7 before she was strong enough to have her crichroid split and enlarge her trachea with cartilege from her ear. I remember wondering how I could do it...it seemed like I never got sleep. But, they are precious memories as I recall feeling her every breath and having my body's rhythm align with hers. The most sacred experiences happened while I ministered to her needs and the spirit in our home felt so sweet.
Angels really do minister to us in our times of need. I know there are angels ministering to you and Bryce. The spirit is so strong in your home. Remember that you are never alone even when it might seem that way in the middle of the night.
I think of you many times a day. Continue to enjoy your moments with Bryce. There is nothing more important now. I'm so glad that the doctors are still coming up with options, small as they may be for the moment.
We are praying for a miracle. May God grant Bryce the desires of his heart.
Love,
Barbara
I have been keeping up but not on the web site. These stories of waiting and waiting are too familiar...and the loss of sleep. One time I fell asleep and dreamed about sleeping. I was in a sunday school lesson one time and they asked about our personal "golden images" where were our values what did we want in life...(refering to something shallow) and the first thing I thought of was SLEEP. Tammy, I have an oxymeter at my house. How are you monitoring his oxygen? I will bring it to you immediately. I also have IV poles and ha ha ha urinals. I will check with your parents when it is a decent hour to call them. We are praying constantly for you. I really have been where you are. I wished so much I would have been so wise as you to get lots of pictures and write more memories while they were happening. Love Earlene Blaser
I don't know what to say except that I continue to pray that Bryce will be blessed with a miracle. Hold tight to your love...
Godspeed...
Tammy and Bryce,
In church today, someone gave a great talk, and I wanted to share part of it with you, because as he was speaking, I was thinking of your situation.
He said that God is a fourth watch God. We want him to come and rescue us in the first watch, or maybe even meet us half way in the third watch, but he waits until the fourth watch. Examples being: Joseph Smith praying to find the truth having to wade through that awful darkness and feel like he was going to perish because of it, and then seeing the light of the truth be presented to him by God the Father and His Son. Job losing everything, and continuing to have faith through the most horrific trials imaginable, and after it was all said and done, he recieved back everything he had lost and then some.
The point is, I guess, that our Father makes us do everything we can to make it through our trials, and just when we think we can't possibly take another step, he carries us.
Here's to the fourth watch!
Love, Lindsay
Hi there to the Brown family-
It's Kristin from Dr. Isotope's office again. Thank you for taking the time to share your journey through life with others. You are making a difference for so many people. We are merely strangers who are tied together by a common thread and it is amazing to watch your strength and courage. Thanks for all your words and willingness to share. You are in our thoughts and prayers always. Keep the faith.
Tammy:
Bryce is so blessed to have you at his side. Your tireless efforts and your love are so inspiring. I hope that you are gaining strength and comfort in knowing that there are literally people praying all across the country for you, Bryce and Dani.
In His Love,
Kelli
Stroudsburg, PA
You are both such fighters! I admire your strength and spirit so much. Hang in there.
Love,
Leslie
Dear Bryce and Tammy,
What a sweet, precious little girl you have! It was so fun so spend some time with her. She is a delightful combination of both parents--and her "growling" is a hoot!
We continue to pray for all of you and hope you realize what an inspiration you are to so many people.
Love, Pam
Tammy and Bryce,
I am amazed at the number of friends and strangers that have written to express their love and appreciation for you. You are both such an inspiration to all of us. You have shown and taught each and every one of us many lessons on love and faith. As your favorite (he he) aunt, I want to let you know how much I love you both. We're keeping you close in our hearts and our prayers. Don't give up hope--miracles happen!!
Love, Aunt Elaine
Tammy and B Town, WOW! Tammy you are a powerhouse! I wish I could be half as strong as you guys when it comes to trials. I wish I could do more, but just know you guys are in my prayers. We wish you the best of luck- hang in there!! Love, Dawg and Spencer
Bryce & Tammy,
I've been keeping up with you by reading your posts, but I haven't ever written, because you don't really know us. We are neighbors of both of your parents, and they are very dear to us. My heart goes out to all of you for what you are going through. Today, I feel compelled to write just to let you know that our family's thoughts and prayers are with you, and to tell you how grateful I am to you both for your example and your selflessness. I lost my dad to cancer, and while I know losing a parent can't possibly compare to losing a spouse or child, I do know what it's like to watch a loved one suffer. So, thank you for the way you've handled this trial. Thank you for trusting your own inspiration and instincts in dealing with it. Thank you for fighting even when you are exhausted and spent--every day, every hour, every minute that you survive helps the doctors know better how to combat cancer. Someday, we will be able to beat cancer because of you and so many others who stepped up to fight when it would have been much easier to quit. We (often) can't choose our trials, but we can choose how we respond to them. Your response has been inspirational for all of us. Dani will be so proud of you!
Lucy & Thomas Andre family
Hey Tammy
You don't have to post this....I'm just pissed off for you.
I'll do all the ?#&! cursing for you...you can cross it off your to do list! Today finds me mad as hell for what your up against. ...What a friggen rip off... I know you got lots of folks praying for you...just wanted to let you know you got some of us yelling on your behalf as well-at least we can be working all angles.
Life isn't suppose to be this way.
Your doing an amazing job....and Bryce is one tough son of a gun.
Keep kicking melanoma ass...one cell at a time.
jeremiah and josslyn
Tammy & Bryce,
Steff emailed my mom and told her about the site and Mindy found it tonight. I am glad she found it so I could see exactly what was going on. I have always looked up to the both of you and am amazed at how strong the both of you are. I can remember when Bryce was a teenager in my mom's sunday school class and I would always try and sneak in there because he would give me candy. Tammy you always had the ability to make me laugh, and I think the world of you. Just want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers each day and that we are pulling for you.
Love
Ben & Mindy
Tammy,
You have been through so much. It is so clear that you two were made for each other. Bryce couldn't be so strong without you. I just wanted you to know that we're here for you.
Jen
I have never met you or your family, but our company is part of SEFA and I heard about your story thru Tedde's emailed newsletter.
I just wanted to take a minute and let you know that my husband and I are praying for you, your husband and your daughter. My husband lost his best friend to this horrible disease - we know how hard this is. Just stay strong, keep the faith and think about all the great times you have had falling in love, getting married and having your daughter.
You will be in our prayers - please let me know if there is anything we can do for you and your family.
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Tammy and Bryce,
You are so lucky to have great doctors (WaSP) and a variety of them. Who would have thought that the best plastic surgeon in the world would end up being on a team of oncologists!! You have been blessed to have so many great minds in your life during this ordeal. Something that most fighters don't get. Keep up the fight Bryce. You are amazing all of us and even the docs. Hope you get out of there today and back in your loving home with sweet Dani.
much love,
brenda