Catching Up
I apologize for not posting very much lately on Bryce’s condition, but I felt violated by certain comments and wasn’t in the mood. After spending HOURS cleaning up my blog with the help of our great friend Matt, and then rereading the awesome comments you all have posted, I’m ready to blog again!
Friday, August 17th:
Bryce woke up early to videotape a message for Dani. He tearfully told her how much he loves her and loves being a daddy. He told her the story of her birth, just seven months ago. My heart was broken, and I trembled behind the tripod as I watched him. This can’t be happening. His chances are at around 1% right now, and one of our mottos is “I AM THE 1%!!” Bryce, PLEASE be the 1%...
Friday began with radiation on his heart and the largest mass in his lung, which technically should not be done due to lung scarring and escalated heart disease. At this point, if something is not done to shrink the huge tumor squashing Bryce’s heart, he won’t live long enough to suffer these side effects. The regimen will be 15 days of radiation, and then they will give him a short break, then move on to the next largest masses. Who knows where those will be—right now it looks like his abdomen and large intestine contain the next largest masses. The radiation waiting room has a couple of really nasty wigs which I have talked people into trying on, then photographing the evidence. I’m SO posting these pictures!!
Bryce’s chemo started Friday after his radiation of his heart. We were so excited to finally be actively killing cancer! TAKE THAT! His regimen includes Dacarbazine (DTIC), Carmustine (BCNU), and Cisplatin--the same regimen as he had in Denver. He was very scared, sick and his spirits were low, so he kept himself fairly doped up to numb all the pain. I don’t blame him.
John W., a friend of Bryce’s whom he hadn’t seen since the ‘90’s, came to visit Friday afternoon. He spent two hours reminiscing with Bryce. Many family members came to the hospital to cheer Bryce up, and to cheer him on. It was great to see everybody! I took a break from the hospital for a few hours, and it was scary to be gone.
We planned a very special morning for Saturday, so I stopped Bryce’s meds at about 5 a.m. to keep him lucid. Bryce recorded another little message for Dani. Our parents, Dani, and Bryce’s siblings came over for a morning of prayer. It was very touching and very private. Dani has learned how to say “Da da”, and kept us all entertained with her babbling. Bryce felt so much better all day, and was able to entertain our visitors. He had another dose of chemotherapy, and felt fine (well, as fine as can be expected).
That evening, I went to the Brown home for another evening of prayer. Our great friend Bob was there to assist with blessings. Bob, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I went to my house to pick up some clothes, and I found my dad putting in more light fixtures. Thanks, daddy! I watched Bryce sleep again that night. My adrenaline must be in overdrive.
Sunday was good. Our first visitor came at about 8:00 a.m., and our last visitor left at 11:00 p.m. My Mia Maids came to visit!! (My Sunday school class for 14-15 year old young women). These girls are AWESOME, and I truly love them. I showed them Bryce’s chest x-ray and explained where this cancer originated—the sun (and tanning beds, ladies!!). Later on, there were dozens of people (church sluffers ;) ) in our room at one time, and Bryce felt so loved. What an honor. We are so grateful for the bond this trial has created between us and so many others. Despite what is going on, we do feel blessed. John W., his buddy from Friday, came to visit again. Bryce lit up when he saw him, and said “I haven’t seen you in YEARS!” Hooray for medication-induced amnesia! (Have you noticed that the jokes in Laffy Taffy are getting pretty funny? What is a Buckaneer? Really expensive corn!! I totally need to sleep.)
Sunday was also the last day of chemotherapy for this round. We’ll start again September 7th—I hope and pray for that! I also hope and pray that his tumor load will shrink, and it will be enough for the IL2 and Interferon. IL2 might be the only thing that may save his life, so we need to get there quickly.
When Monday morning rolled around, I saw Bryce wake up with horrible nausea and incredible back pain. He was exhausted and could barely stay awake for a few minutes at a time. The only medications that came close to controlling his nausea and pain would knock him out for hours. I won't dwell on his mental status, as long as the severe side effects are taken care of. He began radiation on the mass on his right shoulder, so he’s getting hit pretty hard. I think I saw him glow last night when I turned off the light. J
Dani came to visit, and Bryce didn’t have the strength to even hold her. She just grabbed for him and cooed, saying “da da da da” a lot. My college roommate, Aimee, came to visit. She is battling severe cancer also, and is fighting just as hard as Bryce is. She came to visit me many years ago after my divorce, also. She is one of the smartest people I know, and she knows exactly when I need her. I hope to be there for her, also. Thanks for the “Cancer Sucks” buttons, Aimee! You ARE the 25%! YOU ARE THE 25%!!!
Tuesday wasn’t much better, and Bryce was so looped on drugs he could hardly focus. He kept hitting the Nurse’s call button, asking for drugs. “Can I help you?” “Yeah, can I have some more Ativan, so my horse doesn’t eat the cat? I’m feeling nauseous and Miss Lippy’s car is green.” It's really funny, but I would like to spend some quality time with him.
He still couldn’t play with Danika, so I took her for a walk around the hospital grounds, just holding her in my arms. I LOVE that one hour per day when she’s here. It seems like we’re missing the coolest part of her babyhood.
We received a coin from Christine U. from MPIP (you can read all about it in her comments from a post from last Friday). Christine, you are our angel. Thank you. Tell your dad that you WILL have that coin again some day.
That evening, (drumroll, please…) I had a nap! I cuddled into the three-inch gap between Bryce and the bedrail, and we slept for three hours. Several people came over to see us, and they thought I had deserted Bryce because they couldn’t see me squished next to him with a blanket over my head. When we woke up, we found several notes lying around the room. “Tammy, I never knew you could fit into a 2”x 2” square.” “Sorry we missed you. We took some cookies for the road.” We’re sorry too. The best part of the day was when my sister Jenni found a SWEET bald spot on the side of Bryce’s head. I think it’s the Cisplatin. We took good pictures and told him how cool he will look bald. (What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerkey! HA!)
This morning, Wednesday, we asked the doctor whether we could go home anytime soon. He said we may be able to go home tomorrow! Everybody cross your fingers! Bryce would be so much more comfortable at home. We will have to come back every day for radiation, but at least we’ll both fit on the bed. His symptoms seem to be improving, as his nausea and pain are decreasing in intensity. This is exactly what happened after his first round of chemo, so we’re fairly certain he will feel much better in a few days. His heart rate has decreased a little because of the radiation (a GOOD thing!!), and his lungs sound a little better. We will have home health care help us out until we are capable of handling his pain and oxygen needs on our own. Dani came over again today, and I cried my eyes out when she left. I miss our baby so much.
Sorry about the marathon post, but it has been several days since I have updated Bryce’s status. Thanks for sending all the wonderful comments! We read and reread them every day (especially since Bryce’s short term memory is kaput). Many tears are shed over these loving messages. I would love to be able to answer every message, but there aren’t enough hours in the day. Just know that I love and appreciate all of you. Courage, MPIP friends! WE ARE THE 1%!!
Bryce, I love you. You are my rock, my best friend, the father of our beautiful baby, my husband. Dani and I need you, and we’re hoping for a lifetime of happiness together as a family. Please beat this! Please!
19 Comments So Far!
Bryce, Tammy, and Dani -
I am really pulling for you guys. I can't imagine being in the situation you are in, but you are handling it with absolute grace and good humor. I don't know you guys in person, and I don't even know anyone with melanoma. I am definitely an outsider, but I really care about what happens. I check your blog every day for updates on Bryce and your family. I am continually amazed by your strength. Please know that there is someone in California who is sending positive vibes your way every day. I wish that I could do more. Take care, all of you.
Lots of love,
Leslie
It was so great to see you 2 last night! I am so inspired by your courage and strength, by your ability to face each new day, even if for just one more day.
I love you guys!!
Susie D
Many prayers your way for peace. May the chemo also shrink those tumors and buy you some time to get the IL-2 started. I am happy to see that you have started videos for Dani, which we really all should do, as life is so uncertain. I can't even imagine, and I seriously think you Tammy should be so proud of how you have held up. I am madly in love with a very sick stage 4 melanoma patient too, and it is amazing how we gain strength from the love we feel.
Many blessings for a great day and a quick return home.
Jenni
Bryce,
Lou and I just got done moving out of our house over the past few days and at the end of it all I was feeling sorry for myself because I was so tired and it sucked so bad, then I thought of your struggle and realized how weak and pathetic my whines were. Thanks for being an example of strength and perseverance. You've always been the 1% so don't stop now :)
Love
Jerd n Lou
Bryce and Tammy and Dani
Was just cleaning off emails this morning and then jumped over to your site. Thanks to Michelle, I have your information. Not sure it the other email got to you or if this one will, but I just want to let you know that I am thinking about you three, and wishing you the best. From reading comments its good to know what is happing and that you have a lot of people supporting you. Miss seeing the red jeeps being moved around the driveway.
Take care you three,
The other dog (well animals) lover on the street.
Good to talk to you this morning. Sorry again for calling so early. The blanket will be on the way.
Suzan
Dear Bryce and Tammy,
The Saints in the Jordan River Temple district (sorry, Los Angeles was closed) and in the Nauvoo Temple district are now praying for you, too.
Love, Sally
Bryce...
Having just seen you a short time ago as a picture of health, it is hard to imagine what you are going through now. You and your family are in our prayers each day. Our God is an awesome God!
Tedde
Tammy,
Our family in Sweden is praying and fasting for Bryce and your family. What an inspiration of strength, hope and love you are! May God bless you all.
"Be still, my soul:
Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below"
Hymns #129
love,
Antti Syvanen with family
In my dictionary of what I believe, your names would be under: strength, compassion, determination, love and many more. The amazing examples of these traits that you are showing make me what to be a better person. Tammy, I have always known that you have the strength in you to move mountains. It has always been a trait that I have admired about you. Whenever I felt weak you were always there to strengthen me. My life is MUCH better because of your friendship. Bryce, I couldn't love you more then if you were my own brother. The fight that you have inside of you is extremely admirable and we all know that someone in this world has to be the 1% and we hope and pray with everything in us that YOU are that number. Throw off that stupid melanoma curve. We love you guys! Your baby makes me so happy I can't stand it. It was so much fun coming to visit on Saturday and playing with Dani. It was the highlight of my week..my month..maybe my year. Dani is a remarkably amazing little girl. With parents like you, how could she be any different?
We send lots of hugs and love your way!
Tam & Bryce,
Before I forget, Donna sends her love!
I've been on the road for the past several days and have just been able to catch up on what's been going on with you and Bryce. As I read through your blog I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up as you made reference to certain "negative or perceived negative" things written / sent to you and Bryce. I can't imagine what anyone would say or write that wouldn't be "positive, supportive or inspirational" and I have no interest in knowing details, I only want to say I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
I find myself thinking of you and Bryce every day. The love, commitment and dedication shared between the 2 of you is the example of what real love between a husband and wife can and should be. We all know life is not easy and all of us face challenges. But when those of us who are married stood together at the alter and professed to "..love in sickness and in health..." I doubt many, if any, ever expect to face what you and Bryce are in the middle of. I can only imagine the emotional struggle you deal with daily as you care for Bryce in a way only a wife could. Having the opportunity to observe your interactions over the past few weeks has made me appreciate at an even greater level the relationship I have with my loving wife, Donna.
Our love and prayers go out to you each and every day...
dan maye
I just talked to Grandma and she said that Bryce is going home today! That is such wonderful news. Seeing the other comments from this morning reminds me it's time to call the temples in Arizona again. The more people that are praying for you, the better chance of being that 1%. Wish I could be there to give you hugs. Keep you chin up--I'd keep mine up but I can't decide which one to use :) I love you three.
Aunt Elaine
Tammy and Bryce,
The angel on the back of the coin is St. Michael the Archangel. Keep him close to you Bryce I believe he will sustain you. I had a 4% chance back in 2003 and look at me now !! I am praying for you every single day and night and I speak of you everyday to people I meet and about how hard you are fighting right now !!!!! I hope you don't mind but I refer to you as "My friend Bryce Brown" so many people are adding you to their prayers here in PA!!!! Tammy we are praying for you too sweetie!!!
Sending you both great big hugs and that baby of yours with that cute pink outfit???She is just so cute give her a big hug from me okay?
Hugs,Love and Prayers,
Christine Uporsky
My oh my, what a beautiful little girl. We continue to send bucketloads full of prayers your way.
Hang in there! Cherish every moment with that darling little girl.
Tammy and Bryce,
I still wear my yellow wrist band, so I think about you often. It gives all of us who care a new perspective. Daily life brings lots of small challenges that we often get out of proportion. This reminds us that we can handle those little things. And when the big challenges come up (like you are facing), even then we all realize what is truly important. The most important things are love and caring about something bigger than ourselves, that things are better when we stick together and that even though we can't control all the things in our lives, we can control the ways we react. I love you and I am planning to come and see you tonight.
Love,
Rolayne
Bryce & Tammy,
We pray for you,
We hope for you,
We wish you the 1%,
We love you!
Keep going with your faith, strength and hope. God is watching you!
Wow! You are amazing people! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, daily! You both are and inspriation to all of us! God Bless you all! Hugs, Keeley
Bryce,
I can't tell you what it did to hear your voice on the phone!!!! I think all the girls at the scrapbook store thought I was on the phone with Mel Gibson because of my reaction!!! When I tell you I was jumping up and down and spinning in around in a circle and then I started crying because I just couldn't believe that I was talking to THE BRYCE BROWN!!!!
While I was drive the this crop with my friend Julie who also has been praying for you I kept saying to her I feel like I should call Tammy to see how Bryce is but I don't want to bother her, the drive was an hour long and ever 15 minutes I kept saying this to her. I can't put it into words how much your call meant to me man!!! Thank you so very very very much!!!!! And Tammy.... That fortune cookie you read to me on the phone.... you made me feel so special!!!! We are going to meet up soon my friend I PROMISE!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH AND I AM SENDING PRAYERS EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!!!! Give Dani a hug and kiss for me and Bryce FIGHT THE FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs and Love,
Christine Uporsky
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Tammy, Bryce, Dani and family,
You are pillars of strength for all around you through your faith and your commitment to each other and to beating the beast that has invaded your lives. Please know that there are many of us out here who are praying with you, hoping for you, crying with you.
May you be that 1%. Be strong, and let us all hold you up if that strength begins to falter. You are loved by many who are waiting to step in at any moment.
Annette