Bryce was very sick today. He has no appetite, he is nauseous and vomiting a lot, he has no energy, he is pale and his spirits are low—I could go on and on. We had an appointment with the pulmonologist, Lord Voldemort (He asked that we not use his real name. We love him. He’s wickedly awesome. If any of you need a pulmonologist, give me a call and I’ll hook you up.) He had the unfortunate privilege of telling us that Bryce’s chemo isn’t working. At all. Bryce’s lungs are worse. He and I had a long discussion about things NOBODY should have to think about.

The radiation has stopped the tumor growth on Bryce’s heart, so let’s hear it for good news! Unfortunately, the tumor load in his lungs is out of control, completely dwarfing any cardiac related paranoia I have nurtured recently. We haven’t scanned the rest of his body for about a month, but nothing else could be scarier than what we’re seeing right now.

I had to have my moment of breakdown, but I’m tapping into my reserves and trying to be tough. We all are doing that right now, including Bryce. He wants to know when we can move to plan B, which will probably be IL2. His heart and lungs might not tolerate it, but the alternative is grim. The bigwig powwow will be tomorrow, as Admiral Dad has placed calls to all of Bryce’s doctors.

The Brown and Sellers families, as always, immediately descended upon our home to support, mourn, and strategize together. Team Bryce!

I wonder whether Dani can sense something. She has been fussy today, and keeps waking up tonight. I thought she lost her pacifier, but she was screaming through her binky. Maybe it’s just teething? I woke up to a horrific noise over her baby monitor yesterday morning, and ran in to see what it was. She was grinding her new top tooth onto her bottom teeth. I guess it erupted overnight! That makes 3 teeth. I’m normally orally fixated enough to draw a diagram about the horrors of tooth grinding, but this can wait. Dang, she’s cute. Although she’s here with us most of the time, I miss her. My thoughts are elsewhere, and I’m feeling VERY guilty for that. She has been well taken care of. The grandparents, aunts, and neighbors (Beth, Amy, Val, and all of your wonderful kids!!) have been so good to her. Thank you so much!

We have been the subjects of so many compassionate acts of service, and I need to thank everybody. Every other night, a hot meal shows up at our door. The lawn has been mowed, Dani has had sitters, we have had fun visitors, our peaches were picked last night, this website is beautifully constructed and maintained, and I was given a pedicure in my family room last night! Our church is behind these selfless acts and many more. I can’t begin to list names, so I’ll thank VV9 in general. I also have to thank Christine, who sent Bryce her special healing coin, and Suzan, who sent Bryce a prayer blanket from her church congregation. It is beautiful, and I wish my DSL worked right now so I could upload a picture of Bryce wrapped up in his blankie with his coin taped to his heart. We haven’t even met these women, yet they have taken time from their own melanoma nightmares to do very special things for Bryce. We are humbled, and hope to pay it forward when the time is right.

Bryce and I had a special visit today from Erin Herrin and her two adorable girls, whom you may recall were conjoined at birth, and then separated last year amid a huge media circus. Their grandpa came to visit us last week; he is one of the 1% who kicked cancer’s butt. (www.ikickedcancersbutt.org). Dr. Isotope hooked us all up. It has been such a privilege for us to meet these brave people whom have defied the odds and made a difference in so many lives. Amy, thanks for the pedi and for introducing us to your sister. That entire family is a miracle.

People constantly ask us how they can help, and I have just figured it out. LOVE ONE ANOTHER. We have seen this in action. What a beautiful thing. Spouses, cuddle up tonight as though it were the last cuddle. Don’t fixate on silly, inconsequential things. Some day you may give anything to be able to deal with those annoyances just one more time. Hug, kiss and appreciate your relationship. Humbly thank God for the chance you have had to spend such wonderful times with each other. Embrace your kids, and shed your tears of gratitude for such wonderful miracles in your lives. Climb onto your bed with your spouse and kids and watch a movie together. Hold your family tight as if you will never let go. Take pictures and video of your family together, and record messages for one another. Slather your kids with sunblock! Spend time with your family and friends. I never thought this would happen to us, especially in our early 30’s with an infant daughter. This means it could happen to anybody. LOVE LIFE. As my good friend Reed says, “Be Happy Every Day.” That is what we need.

Bryce, I love you so much. You are my hero. It is such an honor to be your wife and best friend. Thank you for loving me equally. Thank you for loving my quirks. Thank you for accepting that I will make us late for everything. Thank you for proving that a marriage is a two-way street, and for making me feel special and smart and beautiful. Thank you for loving my pink hair. Thank you for our beautiful baby, who is so much like you. Thank you for enduring the glare of my laptop as I write late at night, but not caring because you’d rather have me snuggle with you as I type. I love your snoring and your addiction to chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I love that you chat with strangers as if you were long-lost buddies. I love that you always give people the benefit of the doubt, and refuse to judge them based on their weaknesses. I love your obsessions with golf and Porsches. I love that you refuse to give up, and will fight like hell to keep our family together. I AM BLESSED.

A few nights ago, Bryce called to me from the shower, “Tam! Check this out!” He was pointing to a lump the size of a golf ball on the side of his chest. It felt like a golf ball, too. We showed Dr. Isotope, who came to the hospital on his day off (thanks, Dr. W!!), and he told us it is a subcutaneous melanoma tumor. It was a small spot on the CT scan several weeks ago. $#!*!! Is the chemo not working? Why in the world would a lump grow to that size--virtually overnight--just 6 days after completing a round of chemo? Dad said not to place too much significance on that tumor, as it could have bled and changed size. I know, Dad, but it’s still scary. Dr. Isotope will radiate the tumor today.

Bryce is very nauseous today, and is lying in bed, panting. I hope he is able to go to the hospital for treatment without blowing chunks in the car. One day at a time, my Brycey. We’ll make today a good one.

On a positive note, I just bought size 7 pants. They’re too big. The cancer diet!!

Paul, our friend and hair stylist, came to our house Saturday night to cut Bryce’s hair. Bryce’s hair is falling out a little, but in patches. He’s going for the soccer ball look. Paul is the color genius behind my hair, both punk and conservative. He wouldn’t let me pay him for this trip, so here is my favor to Paul: PAUL ROCKS. He works at Salon Keiji in Salt Lake City (801-485-1110). I know you all have hair (except Natey), so take your nappy heads to Paul and let him do his magic. Tip him generously. J

Dave, Carrie, and Christine Hayden! Thanks to all of you for the gifts we received today! Dave and Carrie know all about my sleeping issues, and your extremely thoughtful sleep care package will be put to the test tonight. I miss you so much, and hope to see you soon. Christine sent me the most beautiful framed picture of Bryce nestled in my…arms…;) … at the wedding on Key Largo. Christine is the sister of my best friend Dave, therefore making her my sister as well.

I love you all!!   

Our good friend Christine told me that she met a lady with melanoma yesterday who introduced her little boy as "Joe, SPF 75." It's amazing how this disease changes the way we perceive simple things, like the HARMFUL rays of the sun. Someday I’ll be able to say, “This is Dani, SPF 100.” My baby will NOT be sunburned (if I have anything to do with it). She will NOT get near a tanning bed. EVER.  I will do everything I can to make sure she survives (and looks pretty!!). Thank goodness our legislative friends have made it possible for parents to save their kids’ lives by requiring parental consent for fake baking. I thought at one point that previous tanning passes were grandfathered in before the law took effect, but I think I was wrong. Parents: YANK, DESTROY, SNATCH, OBLITERATE, BOGART, OR SWIPE YOUR KIDS’ TANNING PASSES. You’ll probably catch an earful, but you are saving the life of someone who naively deems himself invincible. Do it for Bryce, for me, and for our precious baby girl who could lose her daddy because of SKIN CANCER.

I have had 5 moles removed, none of them entirely benign. They all had atypical architecture, and one was misdiagnosed as melanoma. That misdiagnosis was two months after Dani’s birth, and four months before Bryce’s metastatic cancer was discovered. What kind of horrible, karmic alignment of the stars, moons and planets would take both of Dani’s parents from her, all because of sun exposure? I was an IDIOT in my early 20’s, and I worked at a tanning salon where I used the beds frequently. I looked nice and dark pink, as I don’t actually “tan”. Having naturally dark blonde hair, green eyes and fair skin, I didn’t tan to a golden brown (or orange, as most artificial tans appear). My parents warned me, especially my dad, who is a surgeon and has seen the horrible and deadly effects of the sun firsthand. “Tammy, you KNOW that only ONE sunburn or ONE trip to the tanning salon can give you HIDEOUS WRINKLES.” My youthful, narcissistic, indomitable mind wouldn’t even consider death, but (gasp!) wrinkles—no thanks!! I’m now praying that my misdiagnosis was just that, and that my numerous moles don’t threaten my life. I’m trying to reverse the damage I CAUSED MYSELF that has crinkled the skin around my eyes and speckled and scarred my previously alabaster skin. That relatively drop-in-the-bucket of time when I didn’t care about long-term effects as already reared its ugly head, and I’m only in my early 30’s. Not cool.

Bryce is fair to medium skinned with green eyes and brown hair. He has a lot of moles of various sizes. He burns a little at first then tans beautifully, almost effortlessly. He is like most European Americans. He isn’t a redhead. He isn’t blonde. He isn’t pasty-white. He is very likely YOU. He is being KILLED.  

 

To my coworkers at MFFB,

 

I want to give a big shout out for the big gift bag that was sent over today with Dale and Lee. When we opened it up to see what was inside, we found a gluttonous amount of cookies, as we had expected. What we hadn’t expected to find was a substantial amount of money that had been collected on our behalf to defray some of these medical expenses. Wow. We have no idea what the end costs of all of this treatment will be but I have no doubt it will be substantial, and your unbelievable generosity leaves me in awe of the human spirit I have been shown over and over the past five weeks.

 

I have loved working with MFFB and coming to know each of the individuals that make up your divisions. When I first started working at Bintz on the Fields account, I considered this account as a way to get my feet wet in the business with the marketing items. I quickly learned that you can’t touch just one section of a company like Fields without interacting with the remaining sections as a whole. I have since found that the employees throughout the entire operation have become not only coworkers, but friends.

 

Thanks a lot for your support. Keep reading the blog to keep up with the ongoing saga that is my life.

 

With Love and Friendship,

 

Bryce Brown

I'm writing this from the lobby of radiation oncology at the hospital. Bryce is having his heart zapped. I couldn't write anything last night because my DSL is down at home. Yes, HOME!! Bryce was discharged yesterday, and we are now back with our baby girl. When we pulled into the driveway, my friends were decorating the front porch with orange and purple ribbons (orange is Bryce's favorite color). Dani was napping, and woke up to her mommy picking her up out of bed. I'll remember that smile forever!

Bryce slept for a while, then watched part of a 007 movie at full-blast volume. I wonder if the chemo is messing up his hearing? Beth brought over Bryce's favorite food, mango chicken--it's the first real food he has had in 1 1/2 weeks! He prefers Boost drinks and yogurt while at the hospital, because the food there isn't quite what he had in mind.

He woke up this morning feeling very ill. He was in pain, nauseous and very tired. We are fairly certain that his take-home meds aren't quite the concentration as the home health people thought. He didn't feel like playing with Dani or getting out of bed. We'll see how the day goes...

 

Please, please, please! If you won't stop doing it for yourself, then STOP it for Bryce! You are beautiful, and you have so much to give. You will be just as beautiful with a spray-tan, or even paler (I’ll even pay for it myself!). In 10 or 20 years, you will be HOT, while your tanning friends will look like catcher’s mitts. You are NOT invincible. You can DIE. Save your future husband and children the grief our family is suffering right now.

Check out this website!

You know I’m talking to YOU, my cute friend. I love you!

 

I apologize for not posting very much lately on Bryce’s condition, but I felt violated by certain comments and wasn’t in the mood. After spending HOURS cleaning up my blog with the help of our great friend Matt, and then rereading the awesome comments you all have posted, I’m ready to blog again!

Friday, August 17th:

 Bryce woke up early to videotape a message for Dani. He tearfully told her how much he loves her and loves being a daddy. He told her the story of her birth, just seven months ago. My heart was broken, and I trembled behind the tripod as I watched him. This can’t be happening. His chances are at around 1% right now, and one of our mottos is “I AM THE 1%!!” Bryce, PLEASE be the 1%...

Friday began with radiation on his heart and the largest mass in his lung, which technically should not be done due to lung scarring and escalated heart disease. At this point, if something is not done to shrink the huge tumor squashing Bryce’s heart, he won’t live long enough to suffer these side effects. The regimen will be 15 days of radiation, and then they will give him a short break, then move on to the next largest masses. Who knows where those will be—right now it looks like his abdomen and large intestine contain the next largest masses.  The radiation waiting room has a couple of really nasty wigs which I have talked people into trying on, then photographing the evidence. I’m SO posting these pictures!!

 Bryce’s chemo started Friday after his radiation of his heart.  We were so excited to finally be actively killing cancer! TAKE THAT! His regimen includes Dacarbazine (DTIC), Carmustine (BCNU), and Cisplatin--the same regimen as he had in Denver. He was very scared, sick and his spirits were low, so he kept himself fairly doped up to numb all the pain. I don’t blame him.

John W., a friend of Bryce’s whom he hadn’t seen since the ‘90’s, came to visit Friday afternoon. He spent two hours reminiscing with Bryce. Many family members came to the hospital to cheer Bryce up, and to cheer him on. It was great to see everybody! I took a break from the hospital for a few hours, and it was scary to be gone.

We planned a very special morning for Saturday, so I stopped Bryce’s meds at about 5 a.m. to keep him lucid. Bryce recorded another little message for Dani.  Our parents, Dani, and Bryce’s siblings came over for a morning of prayer. It was very touching and very private. Dani has learned how to say “Da da”, and kept us all entertained with her babbling. Bryce felt so much better all day, and was able to entertain our visitors. He had another dose of chemotherapy, and felt fine (well, as fine as can be expected).

 That evening, I went to the Brown home for another evening of prayer. Our great friend Bob was there to assist with blessings. Bob, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I went to my house to pick up some clothes, and I found my dad putting in more light fixtures. Thanks, daddy!  I watched Bryce sleep again that night. My adrenaline must be in overdrive.

Sunday was good. Our first visitor came at about 8:00 a.m., and our last visitor left at 11:00 p.m. My Mia Maids came to visit!! (My Sunday school class for 14-15 year old young women). These girls are AWESOME, and I truly love them. I showed them Bryce’s chest x-ray and explained where this cancer originated—the sun (and tanning beds, ladies!!). Later on, there were dozens of people (church sluffers ;) ) in our room at one time, and Bryce felt so loved. What an honor. We are so grateful for the bond this trial has created between us and so many others. Despite what is going on, we do feel blessed. John W., his buddy from Friday, came to visit again. Bryce lit up when he saw him, and said “I haven’t seen you in YEARS!” Hooray for medication-induced amnesia! (Have you noticed that the jokes in Laffy Taffy are getting pretty funny? What is a Buckaneer? Really expensive corn!! I totally need to sleep.)

Sunday was also the last day of chemotherapy for this round. We’ll start again September 7^th—I hope and pray for that! I also hope and pray that his tumor load will shrink, and it will be enough for the IL2 and Interferon. IL2 might be the only thing that may save his life, so we need to get there quickly.

When Monday morning rolled around, I saw Bryce wake up with horrible nausea and incredible back pain. He was exhausted and could barely stay awake for a few minutes at a time. The only medications that came close to controlling his nausea and pain would knock him out for hours. I won't dwell on his mental status, as long as the severe side effects are taken care of. He began radiation on the mass on his right shoulder, so he’s getting hit pretty hard. I think I saw him glow last night when I turned off the light. J

Dani came to visit, and Bryce didn’t have the strength to even hold her. She just grabbed for him and cooed, saying “da da da da” a lot. My college roommate, Aimee, came to visit. She is battling severe cancer also, and is fighting just as hard as Bryce is. She came to visit me many years ago after my divorce, also. She is one of the smartest people I know, and she knows exactly when I need her. I hope to be there for her, also. Thanks for the “Cancer Sucks” buttons, Aimee! You ARE the 25%! YOU ARE THE 25%!!!

Tuesday wasn’t much better, and Bryce was so looped on drugs he could hardly focus. He kept hitting the Nurse’s call button, asking for drugs. “Can I help you?” “Yeah, can I have some more Ativan, so my horse doesn’t eat the cat? I’m feeling nauseous and Miss Lippy’s car is green.” It's really funny, but I would like to spend some quality time with him.

 He still couldn’t play with Danika, so I took her for a walk around the hospital grounds, just holding her in my arms. I LOVE that one hour per day when she’s here. It seems like we’re missing the coolest part of her babyhood.  

We received a coin from Christine U. from MPIP (you can read all about it in her comments from a post from last Friday). Christine, you are our angel. Thank you. Tell your dad that you WILL have that coin again some day.

 That evening, (drumroll, please…) I had a nap! I cuddled into the three-inch gap between Bryce and the bedrail, and we slept for three hours. Several people came over to see us, and they thought I had deserted Bryce because they couldn’t see me squished next to him with a blanket over my head. When we woke up, we found several notes lying around the room. “Tammy, I never knew you could fit into a 2”x 2” square.” “Sorry we missed you. We took some cookies for the road.” We’re sorry too. The best part of the day was when my sister Jenni found a SWEET bald spot on the side of Bryce’s head. I think it’s the Cisplatin. We took good pictures and told him how cool he will look bald. (What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerkey!  HA!)  

This morning, Wednesday, we asked the doctor whether we could go home anytime soon. He said we may be able to go home tomorrow! Everybody cross your fingers! Bryce would be so much more comfortable at home. We will have to come back every day for radiation, but at least we’ll both fit on the bed. His symptoms seem to be improving, as his nausea and pain are decreasing in intensity. This is exactly what happened after his first round of chemo, so we’re fairly certain he will feel much better in a few days. His heart rate has decreased a little because of the radiation (a GOOD thing!!), and his lungs sound a little better. We will have home health care help us out until we are capable of handling his pain and oxygen needs on our own. Dani came over again today, and I cried my eyes out when she left. I miss our baby so much.

Sorry about the marathon post, but it has been several days since I have updated Bryce’s status. Thanks for sending all the wonderful comments! We read and reread them every day (especially since Bryce’s short term memory is kaput). Many tears are shed over these loving messages. I would love to be able to answer every message, but there aren’t enough hours in the day. Just know that I love and appreciate all of you. Courage, MPIP friends! WE ARE THE 1%!!

Bryce, I love you. You are my rock, my best friend, the father of our beautiful baby, my husband. Dani and I need you, and we’re hoping for a lifetime of happiness together as a family. Please beat this! Please!

My little brother. I love you.

Earlier this week Nate arrived at the hospital with a samurai sword custom engraved with the phrase "MELANOMA CLEAVER"  just for Bryce. 

The stream of visitors we have had is amazing!! How can I not feel guilty when our room is packed, and my hospital neighbors are alone? ( I have already gotten to know one of our neighbors, but he was discharged. My mom and sisters made friends with him, which meant so much to him--you ladies ROCK. ) Several people have come by nearly every day, and we are so thankful for all of you. Our families (Ashley too :), Bishop Beattie, Matt, Mandi & Natey, I look forward to your visits every day! Sally, Beth and Becky, how I love you. You have come into my life and drastically altered its direction for the better. All my ladies in YW totally made my day, and I am excited to hang out with you again--good luck with starting school!
 
I can't keep naming people, because I may inadvertently leave somebody out, but Sunday was incredible. It was standing room only in here. Bryce was so touched--he had no idea how many people are pulling for him.
Last night was wonderful as well, because the Maher family came over and sang to us. The visit was capped off by a saxophone solo, which people on our floor are still talking about. Thank you!

Here's a shout out to all the Johns--Bryce is the luckiest guy to have you back in his life. You have stood by him through SO much, and you believed in him.

Matt, you are a HUGE stud! Don't you dare edit this out! ;) Thank you so much for helping us with the website and the lawn. I was so devastated by the direction this blog had taken lately, and you stepped in so selflessly to police this site. I'm sorry you have to see the unfortunate comments, but thanks for protecting the rest of us.

I know we missed several visitors tonight as we were napping (can you believe I can fit into that hospital bed next to Bryce?), and I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to visit. I loved all the little notes. Please, take a cookie next time!

Kristi, your visit tonight was exactly what I needed. I'm still thinking auburn...

To the loutish bloggers, you have reaffirmed my faith. I know now more than ever that we are doing the right thing.

Thank you.

Thursday, August 16th:

Everything here happens in “hospital time”, which we are finding out the hard way. We were under the impression that radiation would happen this morning, followed by a blood transfusion at noon and then the chemo. We waited for a long time for the radiation, and finally someone came to get Bryce at 2:30. It was just a pre-radiation visit, during which they mapped the tumors and made little tattoos where the crosshairs should line up. Yep, he got his ink on. They also found out that the big lump on his back is a muscle spasm, but there is cancer on the ribs underneath it.

Bryce didn’t get his blood transfusion until late in the evening, so the chemo is postponed until Friday. I really want to get this show on the road. Dad came over during the transfusion and filled the lump on Bryce’s back with lidocaine, which took some of the pain away. Bryce's breathing has appeared agonal as he sleeps, which makes me nervous. It seems like he is gasping for air, and trying to shove the air out. Dr. Voldemort (one of the most intriguing people we have met) said it it because of the transfusion, and it's not severe yet. He shot Bryce up with Lasix tonight, which is making him pee A TON. I have to hold the urinal container for him because he's so weak, but I also sing him the "Pee Song" every time. He looks forward to the song--who wouldn't like to be serenaded during such a monotonous chore?

Bryce is fairly doped up with painkillers and anti-anxiety meds, which seem to take care of nausea also. He sleeps a lot.

My parents were scheduled to leave for Illinois today, where my brother lives. They reheduled their trip so they could stay here.

I miss Dani. My sweet little baby girl. Oh, I miss her.

I created this blog to keep friends and family current as to what Bryce and I--together--have chosen to do. He does not have the strength to make the phone calls, nor the desire to type a lot. This is my journal and Bryce's legacy to our baby, who will read this some day and know her that her daddy was fighting to spend at least one more day with her. She will gain an understanding and a glimpse into her sweet daddy's fighting spirit; one that has fought this and many other battles before and won. Were it not for his desire to fight until the last breath and not take "no" for an answer, I would not have had the privilege to meet him and become his wife. We would not have had our little girl, our little miracle, who was created despite medical advice and odds which were not in our favor. Our hope and our goal is for Bryce to read this journal to Dani one day.

The people posting the anonymous comments from previous messages are entitled to their opinion. Perhaps they have been wronged by one of us in the past. If this is the case, please accept my humble apology and know that we would never knowingly hurt another individual. Please understand I am not choosing to make my husband suffer. Our optimism in the face of trials is the driving force behind this. WE are fighting this disease, proceeding hand in hand, hearts united in love and faith, and relying upon my physical strength to pull us both through this. Bryce reads the messages on this blog and derives strength from the supportive, encouraging and loving sentiments from our friends and family. He thanks you for your advice and kindly asks that you not negate his decision to push through this. His motto, “We’re Killing Cancer”, is how he chooses to fight—one cell at a time, despite the odds that have been thrown before him. His favorite movie, “300”, is the perfect summation of Bryce’s spirit. “The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many…We Spartans have descended from Hercules himself. Taught never to retreat, never to surrender. Taught that death in the battlefield is the greatest glory he could achieve in his life. Spartans: the finest soldiers the world has ever known…This—Is—SPARTA!”

Go get ‘em, Bryce. We’re killing cancer, and we’re salting those slugs. I am honored to be your wife.

Tuesday night was bad. Bryce is in a lot of pain now, and it’s throughout his body. Each new day brings more pain, and it was fairly severe during the first night at LDS hospital. The nurses weren’t very good about controlling the pain, because Bryce’s tolerance for pain medication is incredibly high. Large doses of painkillers are the only way to take the edge off, and pain elimination requires doses unlike any these nurses have administered. He is on about four medications to control pain and anxiety. One side effect of the medication is drowsiness,which causes Bryce to sleep about 21 hours per day. Unfortunately, my reaction to stress is insomnia. I haven’t slept since Monday. After staying up all Tuesday night at the hospital watching Bryce writhe, I was hoping for some good news to calm our frazzled nerves.

Dr. Casing, our new oncologist, came in at 7 a.m. to consult with us. He is a very straightforward and kind man, who didn’t beat around the bush. With tears in his eyes, he said, “I have gone over all the scans and records, and I’m sorry to say that the chemo you had in Denver just isn’t working. I haven’t seen this much cancer in one person in a very long time. We can be optimistic and hope that you’ll see Christmas, but it’s not likely. Thanksgiving probably isn’t likely either. The tumor on your heart (which we have named Larry--it has nothing to do with you, Larry G.—or any other Larry) is squashing your heart flat, and there are hundreds more that can break through a blood vessel at any time. I’m just so, so sorry.” He wondered whether we even wanted to subject Bryce to another round of chemotherapy. Rather than making Bryce unnecessarily sick, he suggested going home and hiring a hospice nurse to ease the “transition”.

Would taking his suggestion mean giving up? Bryce is only 33, has a 7 month-old baby, a happy marriage, and was very healthy until one month ago. He has battled some incredible demons, and managed to pull his life out of a downward spiral. Now he has beat the odds and made his life wonderful. He has everything going for him. We don’t want to quit, and that means fighting this monster until his last breath. I can’t—I WON’T—let this disease take him from me until I have exhausted every option, however farfetched it may be. I need this man. Dani needs her daddy. I love him so much.

Dr. Casing is willing to do whatever we want, so he planned to start the chemo on Thursday, the 16th. The large mass on Bryce’s back is causing him a great deal of pain, especially since he is on his back all the time. Dad suggested having Dr. Isotope, the radiation oncologist, check it out and possibly radiate it if it is indeed a tumor. Although radiation to the heart is extremely dangerous, he suggested looking into radiating Larry also. The benefits may outweigh the risks. Dr. Isotope met with us and decided to radiate the back and the heart, despite the danger. The plan for Thursday is to get radiation in the morning, receive a blood transfusion in preparation for chemotherapy, and start the chemo.
I’m terrified.

Dr. Voldemort sent us home at 1:00 p.m., so we went to Steffani’s to pick up Dani. As I strapped Dani into her car seat, Bryce started complaining about having chest pain. We called Dr. Voldemort, who told us the bronchoscopy wasn't the cause of the chest pain, and we should go to the emergency room. NOW.

I drove like mad to get Bryce back to the hospital. When I checked in at the E.R. triage desk, I told them about Bryce’s chest pain, shortness of breath and metastatic cancer. This is stuff that gets you fast-tracked into the E.R. right? Yeah, I thought so too. We (including Bryce’s parents, sister and my mom) waited in the E.R. waiting room for 45 minutes before they had an opening for Bryce. 45 MINUTES!!!

After running all the tests in the E.R, the doctors agreed that Bryce was not having a heart attack, but he was bleeding internally somewhere. His hematocrit had dropped about 6 points in a few hours. The source of bleeding can be anywhere, since his body is full of tumors. We waited in our room in the E.R. for about 4 hours, while doctors and nurses paraded in and out. Another significant lump was found on Bryce’s back during the physical exam, which could be another tumor. The first order of business was to stabilize Bryce, which meant a blood transfusion. This must be done inpatient, so he was admitted (8 East, if anyone is interested…).

Upon admission to his room, Bryce was given two units of blood. My dad contacted all of Bryce’s doctors to discuss the latest developments, and they were all making arrangements to run more tests or perform palliative procedures. Dr. Casing was the oncologist on rotation. He said the only thing to do that night was to stabilize Bryce with blood transfusions, oxygen and painkillers. We would discuss proceeding with round two of chemotherapy in the morning. It looks like we will stay in Salt Lake City for round two, because Bryce is too sick to handle the trip to Denver.

Holly and Jenni took me to my house to pack a suitcase at around 11 p.m. As we pulled into the driveway, we saw pink paper hearts all over the garage door and front door. They all had messages of hope, love and support written by our friends from church. We were “Heart Attacked”! I am so thankful to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

(We girls had a good time together and it was a good tension reliever. Jen, my sisters and I want to adopt you. We love you so much!!)

The last time I was able to post anything was 2 nights ago, when Bryce was coughing up blood. I spent the remainder of the night watching him sleep. Dad called the pulmonologist early in the morning and told him about Bryce's bleeding, and he said to come in "right now" for another bronchoscopy. Nic rushed over to pick up Dani, and Bryce and I went to LDS hospital.

Roger and Jeen, Bryce's parents, met us at the hospital. As Bryce was prepped for his procedure, Dr. Voldemort (a hilarious person) explained to us that Bryce's coughing up blood could mean one of two things: either the tumors removed from his lungs three weeks ago were growing back and bleeding, or tumors had breached the wall of a major blood vessel(s) and he was bleeding internally. If it turned out to be option two, we would lose Bryce almost immediately.

We had to say our FINAL goodbyes (in case he didn't make it) to Bryce just before he went back to have his bronchoscopy. Roger and a doctor gave Bryce a priesthood blessing. Bryce and I stared into each other's red, teary eyes and wept. We were all so terrified, yet there was nothing we could do.

The three of us went to the gift shop(where Roger bought me a stuffed pig that snores and mutters something about a "big bowl of slop"), then we went to the meditation room and waited. What could we say? Our son and husband might not live through the day, and that thought hit us hard. A lot of tears were shed.

Finally, we heard from Dr. Voldemort. Bryce's previous tumors had been bleeding, and a new tumor had appeared and completely clogged one of his Bronchi, which also was bleeding. Is it wrong to be happy about lung tumors? What a relief...

It's 2:30 a.m. Bryce had a violent fit of coughing at around midnight, and coughed up a significant amount of fresh blood. I called daddy in a panic and cried silently in the pantry. I gave Bryce a lozenge to suppress the urge to cough, and Dad said to call Dr. Voldemort if the coughing and bleeding continued. Bryce is sleeping now, and I'm watching him intently. I say a prayer with every breath he takes. Please, please, protect my sweet husband. Dani and I need him. Oh, please.Give me strength. I love him so much.

We had an appointment with Bryce's pulmonologist today. He, my dad, and Dr. Gonzales (the Denver oncologist) have decided that Bryce will stay in Salt Lake City for round two of chemotherapy. It will be inpatient. Bryce told Dr. Voldemort that he wanted to start the chemo NOW, but Dr. V said, "Sure--then we'll start you on dialysis next week." Point taken. We'll start chemo this Thursday.

Bryce's back started bothering him a lot today, and Dr. Voldemort told us the cancer in the vertebrae is growing. There is a palpable lump on his back.

I hate this.

I probably haven't been as good a friend through this experience as you need. I'm sorry for that, and sorry for the situation you and your husband find yourselves in. Sorry doesn't quite cut it, though. You are in an ugly place, and you're not even really allowed to feel sorry for yourself because you have to take care of Bryce and Dani, and manage the PR of making a miracle, even though it tears you up inside if you think about it too long.

This kind of thing is really wrenching for people like you and I (and why I find myself at a loss) because we walk a lot of lines: the line between science and faith, the line between empathy and dispassion, economics and morality, maybe hardest of all the line between what we think and what we hope. Most people don't get it because they don't have any idea what is and isn't possible or likely to begin with, and probably would balk if they knew how much of your day you spend thinking about it. Any sliding around reduces your control and the amount you can hedge your bet; the grim reality is that smart people are almost always bet hedgers; walking the line. Interestingly, though, people make most of their decisions emotionally, so being smart doesn't so much determine what you'll do or believe, as how successful you'll be; lucky for us.

Here is what I choose to hope: I hope that little things matter; I hope that faith makes a difference; I hope that science moves faster; I hope that God chooses to intervene (I'll gladly take a new angel that needs a project); I hope that our thoughts do have some effect on the universe; I hope the mind is stronger than the body; I hope that you are not afraid; most of all I hope that despair doesn't find its way into your souls.

Here is what I know: you are not alone, your friends and family love you, you are kind servants of your fellow man, you do not deserve this, this experience will be horrible, and in spite of the last, you will manage to get through it anyway.

N

Natey, I love you very much.

It is Sunday August 12, 2007. We just returned from having dinner with both of our families. Being with everyone tonight reminded me just how lucky we are. I have been remiss in not posting an entry earlier; my only excuse is that I just really have not felt very well. But I do want to thank everyone for the TREMENDOUS amount of support we have received over the last 3 weeks. I can't believe it has only been 3 weeks. It seems like 3 months that we have been living with this thing called MelaSUCKanoma. MelaSUCKanoma is not a medical term. It is, however, what Tammy and I call the enemy.

First of all I want to thank our parents for all that they have done to help in the last few weeks. When we returned from Colorado after the first chemo regimen, it was to find a new bed (I guess my Dad and Mom got sick of hearing me complain about our old bed). It was like we had an extreme makeover on the house while we were gone. New lights over the kitchen (something I had been meaning to do for a year), a new faucet in the kitchen, new tile in the bathrooms, and possibly almost as important as the bed, a new "super sucker - unpluggable" toilet. There is a story behind that but I am not sure if I want to go there. Let's just say it will be nice to not have to go to Slim Olsen's gas station every time I need to use the facilities. They also did landscaping and a million other little things that my Dad had done while we were gone. A new bed may seem like a small thing to everyone out there but when you spend 14-18 hours a day laying on something it is a HUGE blessing to have such a comfortable place to do it.

While our Dads were back here working to fix up the house, my Mom and Tammy's Mom were in Colorado helping Tammy hide the grape juice from me. I don't remember this, but at the time that I was having severe pulmonary edema (basically means I was drowning from the inside out), I was on a severe fluid restriction. Apparently I didn't like that very much, so I sweet- talked the lunch lady into bringing me 4-5 grape juices with each tray, and then I tried to hide them in my bed and under books on my tray. I also convinced several different nurses and nurse assistants that my fluid restriction had been lifted so they would bring me some water. I even almost had my Mom convinced at one time. Now in my defense I don't remember any of this so they could be making it up. But after questioning each participant carefully I have to assume that either they got their stories straight early on or I really was being a major idiot pain in the butt. It would be a lot funnier if I wasn't basically drowning myself with every drop I poured down my throat. Our Mothers were saints, as I mentioned previously I was a bit out of it. So it was nice to know that Tammy had such an awesome support network around her at what was a really scary time. Mom, thank you for coming to support me at a very scary time. It meant a lot to know that you were there.I haven't done a very good job of it but what I am trying to do is tell our parents how much I appreciate their help and love.

I also want to thank the rest of our family members. Everyone from Nic the machine (he spent several evenings working around our house) to Steff, Holly and Jenni for taking care of Dani so often and for giving Tammy so much support. Brady has been an unexpected source of comfort; the fact that he came and stayed in the hospital with me so Tammy could come home and get some sleep was a bigger deal than he knows. Clark completed our car sale, which was not easy, that was a huge weight off our mind. These are just a few of the many things our families have done to help; if I tried to list them all I would forget something or leave someone out. Not to mention taking up several pages of the blog space. THANK YOU ALL!!!

We have also received so much support from friends and ward members that I cannot even begin to list everyone. Please know how much we appreciate and love you all, the outpouring of love has been almost overwhelming. We really appreciate your prayers and fasting, please keep us in your prayers because we need all the help we can get.

Danika has done as much to help me be determined to beat this thing as anyone. Her cute little 7 month old smile is enough to make me get up in the morning even when I don't feel like it. She is a wonder; every day she does something new that gives me the chills. I love her so much and I look forward to many years of watching her grow into a strong young woman.

Lastly I want to thank my beautiful, happy, strong, vivacious, funky wife. I ask myself almost daily what I did to deserve such an awesome woman in my life. I am going to beat this thing if for no other reason than to be able to wake up next to her for the next 50 years. I could offer story after story of her strength boosting me up when I was weak but instead I just want to thank her for everything. Tammy I love you so much and I will beat this melaSUCKanoma thing with your help!!!

Bryce felt well enough to get out of the house today, so we hooked him up to "Rex", his portable oxygen canister on wheels. (Named after Rex W., not Rex B.!) We went with Bryce's siblings to see the Simpsons movie (sorry, Moms...). Bryce handled the outing fairly well, and I consumed about six pounds of popcorn--with extra liquid sunshine. Bryce crashed pretty hard and slept the remainder of the day, but it was so nice to get him out. (Complaint: Cinemark Theatres charged us full price for a 2 year-old! Seriously, people...it's not like she even sat in her seat. She spent most of the time on Jenni's head!)

Time for serious props:
Thanks to Rebecca and my boys in Donor Services for the truckload of Honeybaked Ham; the Beatties, Tonks, McWains, Wrights and Holgreens; Val Verda 9th and Mueller Park10th, and countless others! Our bellies and fridge are full. We're blessed. And fat. Thanks to Matt, Gage and Alex for the yardwork. Thank you, Jason and Ryan. I love you, my Mia Maids and leaders! Thank you, Shawnee and Stacey and Kacy. You rock, Mikey and Teri! Bob and Kathy, we wouldn't be together if it weren't for you. We love you, Sellers and Browns. We love you all so much!! I'm not forgetting anyone puposefully, I'm just trying not to turn this into the Book of Numbers.

We just finished the CT scan and were starting to walk down the hall of the hospital, and we ran right into my daddy. He cut short his 100-mile bike ride (he only completed 87) so he could read the results of Bryce's scan. He is awesome.

We're not sure how to feel about this scan. Only the chest was scanned, then it was compared with a CT taken 7/19. Many of the tumors are larger, but several have shrunk a bit. The tumor around his heart is the same size as it was when we left Denver--about 11 cm. When the radiologist compared the two, however, he noted that the tumor around the heart hadn't changed much from the previous scan. We were under the impression that this little bugger had grown from 4 cm to 11 cm in four days, and now it looks like it has been this size the whole time. Was it overlooked, or was it overshadowed by the tumor load in his lungs? Did he respond to the chemotherapy, only to have the tumors furiously growing back? Perhaps he hasn't responded to the chemo at all?

Bryce's Utah oncologist is not discouraged by this scan. She said the tumors have remained "static", meaning no significant growth (beyond about 25%). Given the rate at which the tumors had been growing, they should have easily tripled or quadrupled in size during the past week. Since we haven't seen this type of growth, we can only assume that the chemo is working.

We should find out Monday what our travel plans will be. We already have our flights set up for Wednesday, If the oncologists think Bryce's next round of chemo should be here, we'll have to cancel the flights.

We're trying to stay optimistic, although we are disappointed...and a little nervous....

Bryce went to see his Oncologist today. His blood values are moving toward normal, although they are still off. The mass on his shoulder, which we are using as a visual and palpable gauge, is much smaller than it was in Denver. The doctor scheduled him for CT scans this Friday, so hopefully we'll know by this weekend whether we will go back to Denver next week.

Bryce has been reading Lance Armstrong's book. Lance traveled to the best cancer center for each treatment, even though he could have done it closer to home. Bryce is determined to do the same thing, so he wants to go to Denver no matter what Friday's results are.

We are so grateful to everybody who has helped us during this time. Our sisters have been truly amazing, as they have taken Dani into their homes and hearts. Our neighbors and church members have brought over delicious meals.

Thank you so much!!

Noah's Ark has sailed.I have always been surrounded with animals--my pets have always made me so happy.When I was pregnant with Dani, the cats started "marking their territory" in the nursery, so we banished them outside. Bryce built them a heated cat igloo. My tarantula, birds and turtle went to friends. Billi, our black labarador, stays with Papa Rog most of the time. Today, our little dachsund, Lelu, found a new home with Ken, a good friend of Papa Rog. What has happened to me? Am I heartless, or have my priorities taken a 180? The guilt is gnawing at me, but my daughter and husband need all of my attention right now. It will be nice to have a lawn for Dani to crawl on, and maybe someday a garden and swingset. But still...the guilt... :(

My best friend and brother for 21 years. I love you!

We're learning a lot about chemotherapy. It takes several days to "kick in", and the effects last about two weeks. The tumor on Bryce's right shoulder is no longer the size of a softball. The deltoid muscle is still very hard, but it appears normal. We haven't checked on his heart since leaving the hospital.

Bryce is down to 2 liters of oxygen!! He had his oxygen off for about 5 minutes tonight, and his sats went down to 86%. Compared to the 50% to which he plummeted after just one minute last week, we'll take it!! His lungs must be doing better! He still gets very fatigued and winded after being on his feet for any length of time, and he sleeps most of the day. The past few nights have been rough, as his nausea wakes him. He calls it his morning sickness. (Holly, we can entertain him with our "Ralph" list ...calling the seals, driving the porcelain bus, the technicolor yawn...)

If his lungs continue to improve, Bryce might be able to do the next round of chemo in Salt Lake City. If they improve a lot, the biotherapy will be added to his regime and we'll go to Denver. We anticipate the next round to start August 15th.

Perhaps he'll lose his hair after the next round? Bald is SO in...

I have always been fascinated by the differences between the male and female brain--mathematical skills versus verbal skills, hunting versus gathering, spatial relationships versus social skills (even though I ROCK at Tetris). Is it nature or nurture? Who cares--we are the beneficiaries of stereotypes in action.

When we went to Denver, it didn't take long before our moms followed us. As mentioned in a previous posting, they sat in the hospital room with us and went through the emotional roller-coaster in real time.

Our dads, however, coped differently. We came back from Denver to a home makeover. They replaced our bed, tiled the bathrooms, installed new lighting in the kitchen ceiling, tidied the yard, replaced the kitchen faucet, got rid of our decorative throw pillows, fixed the water softener, and they're still coming up with projects. (They also did this when Danika was born.) It's amazing! How many more rounds of chemo before we come back to an unrecognizable dream house?

Dads, we love you so much. We are incredibly fortunate to have fathers as compassionate and loving as you. Dani has two of the best grandpas in the world! Thank you. Thank you. Another silver lining. Thank you.

P.S. Gic, Clarky and Little B--We know our dads had a ton of help! Thank you so much!! We love you guys a ton.

Tammy and Bryce,

I received the attached letter from Tyler. He had hand written the letter from the MTC, so I retyped it to send it to you. He, as you know, is Joe and Heidi's son. He seems mature and wise beyond his 19 years.

Love,

Papa Rog

July 23, 2007


Dear Brown Family,

Today I got a letter from my granny informing me of the terrible news about Bryce. OI want to say that I am so sorry and that Bryce and the rest of the family are and will continue to be in my prayers.

I have a real, sincere testimony of the power of prayers because I've seen them work miracles throughout my life, especially in entering the MTC. I know that it is only through my prayers that I have learned as quickly as I have. I am learning faster than I have ever learned and it is truly amazing. I have asked the members of my district to remember Bryce and your whole family in their prayers. Let Bryce know that he has 12 missionaries praying with faith and sincerity in heart for him, that he may overcome this sickness. We are going to the Temple on Wednesday and I am hoping to submit Bryce's name, so people in the temple can pray for him. I know that through our faith, the faith of family, friends and other loved ones, the Lord hear our prayers and that he will not leave us comfortless.

I want to thank you for all that you are currently doing for me. It will never be forgotten and I know that the Lord will bless you for your sacrifice. I am grateful to you and will constantly strive to live up to the blessings the Lord has given me. I want you to know that I know that this gospel is true and that the Lord reserves special blessing for those who pray and support those out doing His work. Through Him the weak will be made strong. I am a prime example of that. I love you and thank you once more. You are all in our prayers.

Love,

Elder Raso

Bryce, just wanted you to know I miss you and am praying for you. I have a song on one of my cd's and the words are:

"If coal can turn to diamonds
And sand can turn to pearls
If a worm can turn into a butterfly
Then love can change the world

I changed it a bit to say
Love and prayer can change an illness--it just takes time.
Know that my prayers are with you always.
When you are up to visitors I would love to come and see you.

Monnie

Hi Tammy

My name is Jane and I was also stage IV diagnosed back in Sept. 05. I am currently 43.

I am 1 year disease free and doing well. I know you are going through a lot of difficult and confusing times right now, so feel free to contact me if I can help.

If you go to www.operationsunshield.org you can read more about me, and my story, my treatment etc.

I hope this information will be helpful to you both.

Remember, stay strong and never, never, never give up!

We are so fortunate to be blessed with such wonderful mommies. You were both out of town when we learned of Bryce's cancer, and you both dropped what you were doing to fly home and wrap your arms around us. It's amazing how moms can make the hurt go away, if even for a moment. We have both learned that we're not to old to be held and cuddled by our own moms, even though we're in our thirties and much bigger than you!

Our hospital stay in Denver was bearable because you were both right there, hearing the bad news with us, crying with us, freezing with Tammy, eating hospital food with us, and celebrating each milestone with us.
Our families have united together, and for this silver lining we are grateful.

We love you.

Rolayne and Kent,

Thank you SO much for what you did for us while we were in Denver--the rides to and from the airport, the rides to Bryce's appointments, a place to stay, all the meals, and the moral support! Your home is beautiful, comfortable and full of love and happy memories. We were so excited to see the gardens, which are AWESOME. (I haven't caught a snake in a long time--it made my day!)

It was great to see Dave and Sarah and the kids. (Dave, next time we'll share a cattail. Shhh...)

Rolayne, you are so selfless and loving, and I enjoyed the talks we had together. The insight you have is comforting and eye-opening. We are humbled that you cancelled your vacation just to be with us. Thank you for understanding me.

With Love,

Tammy and Bryce

From SK:

Hello Bryce:
Just wanted to say hello and tell you that you and your entire family are in my prayers each day and that I ask our Heavenly Father to take good care of you! Miss you greatly around here and wish that we could see your smiling face. My hope is that everything is going well for you and that the trip home from Colorado yesterday went okay. Remember that we love you and we all are hoping for the very best! Take care and know that there is not a day that goes by that we don't miss you. You take care, rest, and get stronger!

From CL:

I know you must be somewhat numb right now. I can only say that you will get through this. The experience will always be a part of you and the memories you create now will always be with you. I can't understand what it is like to hear a doctor say what you just described, but now you have to make the best of the time you have. You will have a lifetime to think and feel about it, but you only have a short time to be in this position. Don't leave yourself any regrets.

From SW:

Today I went to a Methodist Church(yes, me the borderline athiest)on behalf of Bryce and my husband. As the pastor said if there were any requests for prayers out there, I politely asked my neighbor if they would please say a prayer for Mr. Bryce Brown, and it was spoken.

From BW:

I'm so very sorry to hear about your husband Bryce's melanoma. I e-mailed my Mom who also had melanoma about your husband Bryce's state of condition and she e-mailed me back something that might help. I know you are currently inundated with alot of treatment regimes, diagnostics, and therapies; so I hope this information is not found overwhelming for you; I'm only trying to help. Here is some of what she said I cut and pasted into this e-mail "

In order to tolerate the IL-2 better and avoid the seemingly inevitable blood pressure crashing, tell Tammy that 40 mg of melatonin every night helps. One clinical trial showed that patients who took melatonin along with the IL-2 had a 50% lower incidence of hypotension. This is significant because hypotension is the primary reason they stop treatment. Melatonin is not a cure, but it seems to inhibit or retard the growth and proliferation of melanoma tumors and enhance the action of the IL-2.. It is a supportive or complementary therapy. It is used as a pallative treatment in Italy and Germany. I took high doses like this (30-40 mg.night) for six months after I stopped treatment. It was the only "follow-up" I had. It might not change the outcome, but it won't hurt, either.

Tell them I made a complete recovery, and my liver was HALF cancer. Give them hope, the numbers won't. Google: Metastatic Melanoma, SURVIVORS.
there are stories out there."

Please know my thoughts are with you and you family Tammy.

From DV:

As one who has been exactly where Tammy is right now, (my wonderful lifelong athlete husband died 7 years ago with a cancer that just kept spreading), please let her know that I will have her and her husband in my daily prayers. Miracles can and do happen!

From LS:

I want you to know that I am here for anything you need if you need a sitter for that cute baby I am avail anytime just call even at four in the morning if you need it. Im not a great cook but if your family needs dinners made up I would be willing to do that as well keep your hope high and we will all do the same. We love you guys and will keep you in our hearts.

To Whom It May Concern:

My husband was diagnosed with stage IV Metastatic Cancer to his lungs and brain a few days ago. He is a young, vibrant 33 year-old, and we have a 6 month-old baby. We live in North Salt Lake, Utah. The only hope he has for survival right now is to undergo aggressive chemotherapy at the University of Colorado Cancer Center in Denver. The treatments are a week long, every three weeks. I will be with him every step of the way. This requires us to fly from SLC to Denver almost every other week until the treatment is complete. We will both be out of work for as long as is needed. Is there a discount for extreme medical circumstances that we would qualify for? Any help would be greatly appreciated, as we are potentially facing hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical and travel expenses.

Thank you so much for your consideration.

I'm not too proud to ask for help. Sometimes.
I haven't received a reply.

Finally, some good news! Bryce was released from the hospital today! His supplemental oxygen needs have dwindled to 3 liters, which is excellent, compared with the 15 liters he needed 2 days ago! He had a chest x-ray and an echocardiogram today; both of which revealed his tumors are shrinking! They are still huge, especially the tumor on his heart(9 cm), but they are noticeably smaller.

Now we hurry up and wait. He will start round 2 of chemo in 2 weeks. Hopefully this stuff shrinks enough to go with the more aggressive treatment.

Bryce is tired, worn out and sick, but he's alive and in good spirits. We have a very loud oxygen compressor in our bedroom, which should supply some great white noise for all his napping.

We were so excited to come home to baby Dani! She grew a bit while we were gone. She has a new tooth and can talk ("baa b- ba baaa")!  It is wonderful to be home, to be alive, to hold our baby, and to begin the long battle for Bryce's life.  Thank you to everyone who has sent up a prayer for us. We are making a miracle, and need an army of support.

Rocket Man! I love you!

So much has happened since I wrote last Saturday. That evening, Bryce developed some nasty pulmonary edema, which compromised his breathing. As a result, chemo was postponed for a day so they could drain the fluid from Bryce's body.

Bryce was stable enough to resume treatment on Sunday, thank goodness. Unfortunately, his breathing was getting much worse, which required the use of 15 liters of oxygen on a non rebreather mask around the clock. This is a very large amount of oxygen.

He was transferred from Denver to LDS hospital in Salt Lake City last night via air ambulance. Right now he is in the respiratory ICU, waiting for his lungs to respond to the chemotherapy. The tumor on his heart is quite scary also, because it could perforate the pericardium if it doesn't stop growing.

We'll find out soon whether the chemo worked. We remain hopeful, and we are so grateful for the prayers and support we have received. If you have a yellow Live Strong wristband, put it on for Bryce.